I lost faith in myself

1. Different

Before we start:

This story of mine is like none of my published stories.

Please keep that mind, while reading or commenting.

It will contain real thoughts, honesty, insecurities and all that kind of stuff.

Of course, I won't tell you everything, because some things will stay private. I will tell them, but not in detail.

Also the way I write things down, will be different than I normally do and the lenghts of chapters will be a lot shorter.

So, let's get started with the story💙

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Why is it so hard?
Why do I have to be different?

These are thoughts that swirl into my head almost daily.

I am different. I know I am.
I am worth it. I just don't believe it.
I have no confidence. I wish I had.

All my life, I have been thinking about these things, but lately it has gotten worse.

Things go wrong all the time. I feel like I have stopped trying. I pretend like I'm okay, but I'm not.

I am not okay. Okay?

Truly, I want to be. Oh, I wish I was.

Why am I not?

What is wrong with me?

I spend all my time online to pretend for myself and others that I have no problems. At those moments, my problems don't exist.

But, I know, once I am done that that's not true. My problems are still there. And what's worse is that I don't know anymore how to solve it.

It has gotten out of control and I am the one that has lost control.

How did it come this far?

I don't know what I should do now. I have lost my way and I don't know how to return to how it once was.

No, not even how I once was.

I want to become better.
I want to have confidence.
I want to believe in myself.
I want to be happy.
I want to be myself.

But how?

How do I become what I'm not?

I wish I knew. That would make everything so much easier.

Words hurt. More than I let myself show. 

Truth is, I let myself believe every word that people say about me or about what I do.

You're too small.
You're too thin.
You're stupid.
Are you dumb?
Go away.
You're ugly.
You're too shy.
You're voice is not loud enough.
You're voice is too loud.
You talk too much.
Use your brains.
Do something.
You're boring.
You're not my mother.
I don't want to talk to you, now.
You're bad at that.
You can't make it.
You're just different.
Stop caring.
What is wrong with you?
Why do you care so much?
It's not important.
Why are you so silent?
You shouldn't wear that.
Don't freeze in place.
Don't cry.
Don't exaggerate.
You have no friends.
You're too naive

These are just a few sentences I remembered from the last few weeks.

Most of the time, I think negative about myself. I wish I knew why. Even better, how to turn it off.

It surprises me that I have never written these things down.

Maybe I was just too afraid of what I might write down?

It is sort of a relief to finally let it out. It has been too long that I started to keep it to myself.

I just can't anymore. The time has come to let it out. To finally admit that I am not okay.

It is weird to think about the fact that I keep telling myself these negative senteces once I have done something wrong.

I doubt myself about a lot of things and I am not sure why I say some things or do. I only know for certain that I want to change.

I don't want to be the person I am now.

She makes me, unhappy, confused, uncertain, sad, lonely, different, unworthy, etc.

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Aside from all this, I feel like that this might be the reason that I haven't written in a while.

For those that have been sticking around for this long, I am so gratefull for all of you and for those new to my account, I welcome you here💙

Soon, I will be trying to start working on my other stories again and I figured that this might be the way to get started again.

I am sorry for the long wait and I hope that from now on, it will get better.

At first, I was quite scared to publish this to be honest, but I feel like this is a step into the right direction.

I need to start talking about my feelings and not keeping them to myself. Eventhough there might be people that I know that maybe will be reading this.

Stay safe and feel free to let me know what you think in the comments.

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