I am Cree I change my name in journals sometimes just because I didn't like my real one it happens a lot in these journals
July 20, 2007
The title of my journal is simply alone because that is what I am. I am the youngest in my family I have two brothers one in Tampa Florida and one in san Diego California. My mom and step dad live in Zephyrhills Fla. I do not talk to none of them. Only because I keep running out of minutes on my phone. when I do talk to them I only usually talk to my mom and step dad my brothers and I are just to different and they have very busy lives. Lives that I am not a part of no more. I live in Idaho with my husband and son in a tiny apartment. My in-laws live in the same town, but I hardly see any of them except on Friday, or Sat. they have a lot of problems with their spouses don't ask! I sit at the local park a lot while my son plays and I see he is lonely sometimes like me. What is this a freaking curse. I am in Idaho in a small town and I feel like I am in a box and there is no one to talk to. I reached out for friendship on the net ,but so far no body has responded. I miss Fla it self ,but the beaches and the oceans. I would like to live where there is a ocean and then I think I will be happy, especially if I can go swimming in it and surfing in it everyday. My husband is afraid of the ocean. My son loves it. I wish I was there a lot of times especially when I am in my loneliness. I am different from the people hear.. I guess because I can't seem to meet anyone. Relocating hear reeks it didn't at first, but it does now. I am alone and there is no one to talk to and in a small town it is hard to find a job to make friends. No cars no way to work so I am a housewife I guess and I take care of my son(shrug) I t is ok but it would be better if I had someone to talk to. It would be awesome if I had a computer at home so I can write in peace in my own home, and chat to people. I cant at the library it is forbidden. Wish I was in New Mexico I could put up with New Mexico I like the southwest almost as much as I like the beach, and ocean. I have been fascinated by Native American everything since I was 11 I am into natural healing and aromatherapy and making things out of nature. I like to help people when they are ill I was in a nursing program when I was hear in Idaho last and it just didn't work out like I wanted it to. I like to heal and help people now if I could just heal myself. I had a dad who died of prostrate cancer, I had a baby girl before my son was born Jessica she lived for two weeks in 2000 then she died that My grandma died a few years later my son got born and a year later my dad died. I miss him even though we never got along(sigh) I am alone my husband tries, but it doesn't help when he don't understand the loneliness I feel. Anyway I think that's all for now I need to be ok for my son for now I am alone ,and I can be alone with myself at night when the world sleeps. anyway that's all for now.
Cree
We Went to fair to see sheep show..
July 25, 2007
Well My son And I went over to the fair to see the sheep show it was nice. .the sheep were not so easy to control though this one little boy about 7 or eight was having a hard time with his sheep poor little guy he was last in the sheep show. Yesterday we watched the horse show that was really good, and then last night there was a Mexican rodeo cost 11 dollars to get in of course we didn't have it so we had to sit in a baseball field next to it to watch it ,it was kind of of difficult, with the bleachers in the way. .but I got to see at least three guys bull ride, but by then the mosquitos were horrible(shrug) Then after we left the baseball field we went to pet the lambs then we came home (shrug). I went today and it was ok my son liked the lambs he wants to get a horse and a lamb. And I just hate to have to tell him we are just to poor to afford animals like that. We are barely putting food on our table. Yes we could get on food stamps ,but we have been on them since my son was small.. I don't want to be dependent on them I want to try to not need food stamps, but god it is so hard. Today was fun for a little while and then one thing rude said to us by one of the 14 year old girl riding a horse and I am just shattered I go back to hating everyone and everybody and I feel very stupid and poor and lacking in everything our own house our own car the fact that my mother in law leaves me out of things and how no one even said hi to me as I walk around town. Why I do not know. .because I do not look like them or I am just a stranger hear?? Everyone else knows each other in town..it leaves me like always very much alone. I couldn't even buy my kid a snow cone at the fair because we owe my father in law money, my sister in law, transportation fee for my husband to get back and to from work, and then on top of that we have to buy groceries every week because we do not get enough for the week because it is so expensive and we just can't afford it. I wish my mother in law never found this dumb stupid apartment for us I would rather camp it is cheaper and it is summer time so it wont be cold.. sigh. And so the sadness and hopelessness descends on me like a monstrous claw from the unknown...all because of what one little girl said to me.. can you believe that I am so stupid ..anyway that's all I have to say for now I was going to the fairgrounds every night after my husband gets home despite him being tired. .but tonight I think I will stay home they have pig wrestling and that would be cool ,but it would cost money to I do not know we will see.. sign out hopeless and poor,, ,but not on food stamps!
YOU ARE READING
Just some old journals
Non-FictionJournals of my past their raw, and unedited for the most part except spelling errors some parts are rated R Readers have been warned all the journals are completely true. None of this is made up.
