Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 5

~Rob's perspective~

I gave him a hand? SERIOUSLY, A HAND?  Yesterday I hugged him, told him how great he was and put him to bed. Today I ate breakfast with him after giving him a hug. And when I leave I give him a hand? A HAND to MY BEST FRI- Hold up- what did I just think?  Political best friend maybe but best friend?  I shake of the thought as I ride onto het Binnenhof (the parliament building). 

But the feeling of his hand resting on my shoulder as he puts a plate in front of me stays. The image of my tear stain on his sweater keeps trying to pop up. My eyes still see his surprised face as he shakes my hand. It's like he's still looking at me with those intense eyes-

"You look happy."

I look up as Sigrid stands in front of me.

"Do I?"

"So I assume Jesse's doing better?"

An amused smile is formed on her lips, I feel heat rising to my cheeks.

"Yeah I suppose."

"So you took my advice?"

"I went to his house, yes, because I am a good friend."

"Sure, and what happened."

"He was pretty drunk."

"Do I need to drag it out of you?"

"Okay fine. He was drunk, so I asked him how he was doing and then he broke down?"

"What?"

"He started to cry."

"Oh god, please tell me you didn't do anything stupid."

"I hugged him, gave him a motivational speech and tucked him in so he could get a good-night sleep... Oh and I cleaned up his house."

"Nothing else happened last night?"

"No?"

"No, you know.."

"The man just got out of a divorce."

"So you do have feelings for him!"

"I never said... that."

"Okay, so why did you have that dumb grin on your face?"

My face is going to burn off.

"I didn't-"

"What happened this morning?"

"I-" I take a deep breath, not wanting to tell her, but on the other hand yearning to tell another human about my feelings. "-I had breakfast with him."

She chokes on her coffee. "Did you stay over?"

"No, no, NO. I left the house, but I texted him this morning to check up on him, and he invited me over for breakfast."

"He made breakfast?"

"Yeah, I don't know how he did it. Yesterday he was a mess and today he looked like he could beat the world."

"So, how did you thank him?"

"I shook his hand."

She looks more disappointed than I've ever seen. 

"You SHOOK his HAND?"

"Yeah, you know, like friends do."

She sits down and puts her head in her hands. 

"Oh my fu-.. wow. Okay. Yeah, no sure."

"Sigrid?"

"Let's just get to the Chamber."

I almost bump into her as we walk to the Chamber. 

"Seriously? A hand?"

"Yes? It's not that weird? We're colleagues remember?"

But in my head I'm also mad at myself. Out of everything you could've done you brought up your ex and gave him a hand. I curse at myself as I lay out my notes.

~Jesse's perspective~

It suddenly hit me. I had said it so confidently when he was around. I hadn't thought about it. But the thought of going back to the parliament and all the stress suddenly overwhelms me. I had put on the tv to watch the live debate. I listened to everyone speaking as I had done a million times. And at that point I realized that going back wouldn't be normal, it wouldn't be like my usual routine; it actually might make it worse. My work day would be the usual routine, but at home it would be far from familiar. The contrast would be too much for me to handle. And the looks I would get. Every time I misspeak they will look at me and think: "Oh that's the poor guy who went through a divorce.". I hate it when people pity me. And look at past week me: it was wine right now, a smart decision by me, but what if I picked up something stronger? My career would be down the drain. I started walking around the room aimlessly, trying to get some of my nerves off when I hear the voice I miss the most: Rob. I follow his hands as he talks, recognizing his facial expression as familiar, safe. I walk closer to the tv and let my eyes wander a bit.

There it was: the reason I wanted to get back into the chamber as soon as possible. That little sparkle in his eye as he sees his opponent sweating, that one second where you ask the question that throws away somebody's point, the thrill of the kill. 

But my fear creeps back in. I'm far too broken to go back. What was I thinking? I can't just be gone for a week and be okay, right? Rob walks back to his seat and I start pacing again. It's expected of me to return as soon as possible; politics don't wait for personal problems. My party needs me. But how can I be useful if I break down? How could I be the leader I need to be if I can't lead myself to make the right decision? How could I help the country if I can't help myself?

My ambition takes over. Okay but what's the worst that could happen? People will think of you as a broken man? Who cares! The country and mostly it's system are broken as well! Fix it! You don't need your family to get into a normal routine. Just do it on your own...

It's so logical to think like that. It doesn't make sense, what am I afraid of? But my feelings keep pushing me towards panic. I need to talk to Rob. I need to tell him how I'm feeling. He needs to tell me his opinion on me returning. He has strong opinions. I smile at the TV, he does have strong opinions. Rob will know what to do...