tw: sa, su*c*de, depression
if you're not comfortable with reading, please skip this chapter. i will understand. either way i love you so much.
After about a month of on and off again ignoring Chris I finally grew up and told him what my problem with him was.
He was understanding for the most part but he kept pushing this argument that he only acted this way because he cared about me and my feelings. I told him I appreciated it, but even Ryland who was much older than us both didn't treat me like his child. He was more understanding than anyone and I was t really expecting that, but I loved him even more for it.
We didn't need to talk everyday but he always understood my boundaries and where I was coming from with everything about me and boys.
But besides that nothing much happened.
Well, I mean me and Vinnie got closer... I don't know how much more closer two people who never met in real life could get, but we were close. I haven't told him about something extremely big that happened to me, but he knows about my dad and how he passed.
That was a deep conversation that lasted for hours, in which I cried but it was one I needed.
And currently I was preparing my biggest podcast yet. It was the one where I'd finally tell the story of what happened to me last year. It was going to be heavy on mental health, sexual assault... everything that I've been through in my past year.
I sat alone in my bedroom, notebook in hand trying to figure out how I was going to tell the story of it all. I had requested to have a limited amount of people on set for that day because it was personal and although I was going to be telling the world I wanted to be surrounded by people I trusted.
And for that very reason only Mila, Chris and Nessa were going to be allowed on set. I asked Ryland, but the whole subject hurts him to hear too much because he wished he was there to prevent it but it was nothing he could do.
But anyways, I was sitting here, looking at a page filled with notes scribbled everywhere, when I got a text from Vinnie.
im convinced you don't care about me anymore because you haven't texted me back in 24hrs ... 🙁
I've been stressing myself lately. I'm sorry.
this podcast stuff has me all kinds of out of wack and I'm preparing for like my first episode that talks about triggering topics so I want to prepare myself with what to say, so I make sure I'm not too triggering or vulgar with what I'll say...
and how are you holding up with all of this? are you ready?
I'm not ready honestly... I'm talking about myself for this episode and some of this shit is triggering to me but I'm comfortable with talking about it. I just want to spread awareness to people like us so they realize they aren't alone you know?
because I know what it feels like to have no one and I don't want that for people. I want them to know, you have somewhere out there who was just like you.
you're very brave and i admire you.
I believe that you can do it. Just be true to yourself and don't fabricate anything that needs to be said
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