𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕀𝕗 𝕀 𝔻𝕚𝕖 [ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕥𝕖𝕕]

꧁ 𝔸𝕦𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕣'𝕤 ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕖 ꧂

Oh my Lord. I finished my first book. You and I have a lot to talk about.

Let's go back to the very beginning. I've started a lot of books in the past in which I wrote a couple of chapters, then quit on the idea immediately. Long before I discovered Wattpad, I already knew I had a passion for writing. At the age of eight, I had already proclaimed that I wanted to be an author when I grew up. At eleven, I decided on something more realistic and sensible; I wanted to teach literature at a university of some sort and write in my extra time. There are so many unfinished books that I have, sitting there, unforgotten, in my library in Book Creator, discarded ideas, forgotten characters and abandoned plots. I started to slowly lose my passion for writing, which I was scared of. Then one day, my friend told me about Wattpad. She said that you could publish and read stories there, and make lots of friends too. I downloaded it and quickly made an account, then started on a story right away. I ended up scrapping the book before finishing my first chapter. It just didn't feel right, the characters were very basic and underdeveloped, the plot was weak and the story wasn't engaging in any way. I felt bitter, but decided to keep trying.

And If I Die was thought of in a very strange way. Usually, writers have a good story idea, build a plot off it, make characters and then make a cover and title. It's safe to say that I was the complete opposite. I found a beautiful cover, gave it a title for fun, and a catchy line, then added my name. Then I realised I was in love with it, and needed to write a story about it. I thought of some characters that fit the story, then came up with my plot. Then pow, And If I Die was born. It was a very strange process but I don't regret it one bit, as I loved the sequence of building my story up.

It felt different. This was the first time I didn't quit on my own book, and it felt refreshing. I grew a habit of making my chapters around 1000 words or a bit more, except for the last chapter, which was 2000 and more. Nearing the end, I added pretty fonts to my chapter titles and I pre-planned every chapter's name. I ended every chapter part with the same format and remembered to add trigger warnings when appropriate. These tiny habits became regular things.The more chapters I wrote, the more motivated I got, the stronger my story became. I was unstoppable, writing like a hurricane and updating one or two chapters per day on average. I was on fire, my story was at 400+ views and 200+ votes. Everything was perfect and it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Then, my Wattpad account got deleted. My body had gone rigid cold. I had lost all motivation, thinking that all my hard work was gone. I lost all my followers, all my friends, all my support. I nearly broke down, until I remembered that I published my book on another platform. Not all hope was lost. I sighed a humongous sigh of relief and quickly copied down my book. I remember feeling so thankful.

There was a period of time (in February or January, maybe) where I was inactive for a month and more, I was really stressed with online/real school, I just didn't have motivation to write and needed a break for myself to recharge, writing for so long without a break had tired me out. I'm sorry to those who I hurt because of this, I truly didn't mean to cause any inconveniences, I was just a bit worn out and tired. However, when I returned, I was fully refreshed and full to the brim with motivation and ideas, which gave me a boost to the finish line to complete my book with more energy than ever. I also had expected to lose followers because of this, but I didn't loose any and I'm forever grateful for that. Now that I spent some energy on finishing my book and starting on my apply fic, I find it really great that with an apply fic, I get to have a break while people apply, and I only have to start writing later on, so I get a short break to recharge.

My previous friends all followed me again and my book slowly got all of its stats back. This time, there were more supporters than last, and I've made so many amazing friends because of this book. I'm almost glad my account got deleted, or I never would have made all the friends that I did now. I wrote and wrote and wrote until I realised I had reached the last pre-planned chapter. It felt unreal, crazy even, that I had finished one whole book. I remember how I felt when I was writing that last chapter: a mess. I was sweating, my heart rate went up so much and my fingers were trembling as I pressed the "publish" button. It felt like a tiny piece of me had gone. It was like saying goodbye to your kid going to university, their first day of school or moving out. My story had grown on me so much that it had become part of me, and now I had to say goodbye. I denied it at first, dragging it out by writing an epilogue, but now, writing this author's note and preparing to write acknowledgments, I realised that it had truly come to an end.