larry smut

oh how i wish that was me

A tear drops, and then another. A pathetic sound escapes his mouth, pitiful just like his thoughts.

Because Harry wishes it was him.

He wishes he was the one with a baby growing in his belly—a real one that is. He oh so wishes this whole thing with Louis becoming a dad was real, wants Louis to be the father of a baby, to be announcing his excitement over starting a family—but not with some random girl their management picked up. He wants it to be him; the person Louis is sharing this experience with, wants to be the carrier of their child—children—so so much.

But, he wasn't, and it's not like he could ever do that for Louis. And that knowledge hurt more than anything, every single day of his life.

In fact, more often than not these days, Harry hates his body and resents himself for not being able to provide Louis with the children they both wanted. Sometimes, he even felt like Louis hates him for it, that Louis ponders a life where he's with someone who he can actually produce a life with.

And that's where the guilt came in.

Closing his eyes, Harry lets his mind wander. He imagines himself four months pregnant, with a beautiful baby bump. He imagines a slight firmness beneath his fingers, a swell under the span of his hands. He imagines Louis behind him with his arms wrapped around his waist, whispering loving words.

"Harry?"

Harry's eyes fly open. The dream is shattered with a hesitant knock to the bathroom door. And for the first time in a long while, Harry doesn't want to see Louis. Or more like, he doesn't want Louis to see him. Because Louis deserves so much more and Harry doesn't.

"Harry, love? You in there?"

He tries so hard to stay quiet but a sob manages to escape. Harry muffles it with one hand. It's futile though. He knows Louis has heard it.

"Harry? Baby, please open the door. It's just me, yeah?"

No, Harry thinks. No no no no. He doesn't want to open the door. He doesn't want Louis to see how ugly he is, how undeserving of him.

"H...please don't shut me out. I know you're hurting baby. Believe me, I am too. But the only way we'll get through this is together. So please? For me? For us?"

Harry doesn't move. He doesn't breathe. He keeps his eyes shut and wills everything to go away. He hates the pain in Louis' voice, the pain he's caused. He can feel his resolve waning because of it and yet, he stays glued to the spot.

"Darling, you're worrying me. Please just let me know you're alright. Please? I love you so much, H."

Maybe it's the crack in Louis' voice or the I love you he utters but Harry finds himself unlocking the door just as the sobs come wracking out like a domino effect. He's immediately enveloped in a warm familiar chest, a musky sweet smell that only belongs to Louis. He sinks right into it, letting himself go as years of pain and grief wash over him. And Louis holds him tightly through it, never letting go as he rubs Harry's back and whispers loving, calming words.