Sander and Robbe, Minute by Minute

There is No Us

Sander met his doctor again on Friday. He smiled a bit and she smiled back warmly. Sander sat down.

"How are you today, Sander?"

He said, "Six and half, I think."

She smiled, "That's good progress Sander."

Sander nodded.

"Have you been sleeping all right?"

"Mostly."

"How is mostly?"

"I've slept for maybe 6 - 7 hours at night, but last night I just slept for maybe 4 hours."

"And why is that?"

"Just thoughts. I do the breathing technique, it works sometimes."

"Okay, do you find the routine help? The exercise, food, group therapy?"

Sander nodded. "Ya, and I have been drawing again."

"That's really great," she smiled encouragingly. She checked his file and said, "How do you feel about the new medication? Is there any side effect?"

"Just a bit nauseous."

"That's normal. Your medication appeared to be working all right for now, but we will have to do a full check up in the next months to make sure the adjusment fit right."

"Okay."

"Is there something you want to share?"

Sander didn't say anything for a second. She waited.

"Yesterday my mom saw me snapped at someone, not at her, but. I snapped at her in the past. But yesterday, it was different. She looked shocked."

Dr Ava looked at him and said, "Just give her time, I am sure your mom will understand Sander. She's been going through this with you all this time right?"

Silence.

"But, what if one day I just hurt her too much? Do you think she will leave?"

"I don't think a mother will leave so easily. Don't you think?"

Sander looked at her. My dad left though.

Sander said after a while, "I just felt like sometimes I was gone, erased and this illness just replaced me."

"You know that's not true, Sander. Is this why you can not sleep last night?"

Sander shrugged. She waited. "It just, sometimes it feels like the guilt and shame could swallow me whole."

"It feels like that now, but those feelings will pass. You have to remember, it's not all of you. Whatever people say, you know who you are. It might be hard to remember sometimes, but always try to."

Sander didn't say anything.

Dr Ava gazed at him and said, "You are strong, Sander. You've been strong all these times."

Sander gave a short nod.

"Don't try to ignore your bipolar disorder Sander, instead try to claim them."

Sander just looked at her.

"I see here, you have a psychiatrist. It will be good for you to see him after you are out, okay?"

"Okay."

*

That evening Sander sat on his bed, leaning on the wall, remembering. He thought of his mom, and the expression on her face. All the time he was rude to her, upset her, the first time he was diagnosed. He thought of Britt, and the hazel-eyes boy, the couple others. He remembered again the crash. And he thought of Robbe. How he was still the best thing that ever happened to him. The absence of him felt like a physical thing. Sander needed him, like he had never needed anyone before. And he loved him with all of his soul. Will there come a time when I break him? That laugh, will it be gone because of me? Will he hate me one day?

He opened Robbe contact, and looked at the text. Time crawled, and Sander pushed and held on the record button.

"Hi Robbe."
His voice started to tremble, but he continued, "I will keep it brief."
He took a shaky breath. "You are right."
He quivered. "There is no us."
Tears streaming down his face, unquenchabled. "There never has been."
He tried to control his voice, but it still shook, "And there never will be."

He ended it. It was sent. The phone fell from his trembling hand and he cried. It is better this way. Better for both of them. Robbe would be safe. His life would be better without him. Sander wouldn't had to live with the fear. And he could kept the memories, everything they had; beautiful, magical. Nothing to touch them, there would be no chance for him to tear it apart.