youth ❀ karlnap

i can't control you

"I guess," He mumbled, convinced that he couldn't change her mind on that for a while. "I'd take really good care of it though."

"I'm still thinking about it." His mom reassured him, spinning her fork in the spaghetti on her plate. "You know it's hard for me, right?"

Karl felt like it was definitely a lot harder for him. He could understand how parents could be tripped up a bit at the news that their child was transgender, but he could not wrap his head around why they would start mourning like their kid had just died. He was still the same baby that she gave birth to. He was just unhappy with his biology and was on the path to changing it. Sure, he'd look different, but he was still himself, and he was a lot happier this way.

"Yeah." Karl said blankly, and it was probably too clear that he wasn't on the same page as her. She gave him a look that he genuinely couldn't describe, and they both started to eat. They didn't resume their conversation until they were about halfway finished.

"So, about Sapnap and all," His mother hummed rather casually, in between short bites. "I don't want you to worry, because I'm not gonna do what I did last time."

Karl softened. "Really?"

"Yeah, I think you're mature enough to handle it and all." It seemed like it was hard for her to say this, because she was almost gritting her teeth. "If I made you switch schools or something you'd just be the same as you were before. You were so unhappy."

Karl frowned. He didn't know that she noticed it, but it made a lot of sense. He didn't have a lot of people he could talk to at his old school, and none of them he would ever consider friends. Here, at the public school, he was well respected, no longer lonely, and flourishing. She could probably tell by his new enthusiasm for life even when his phone was taken from his possession that he was in a much better place now than before.

"And now you've got friends and... although I don't agree that you and Sapnap are together, there's nothing I can do to stop you. I know that will just make you depressed." His mom scratched her head, deep in thought. "I will encourage you two to be friends instead, but I can't control you. All I can do is prohibit sleepovers or alone visits."

Karl looked up at her, eyes round with wonder. This was very unlike her. He wasn't sure what possibly could have brought her to this conclusion, because before this he was always "too young" and couldn't make a decision on his own. Now he was literally listening to her talk about his boyfriend without wanting to pry them apart or pull him out of public school. She was... different. In a good way.

He really wasn't sure if he could believe his ears, to be honest. But he tried to, and as he kept eating, he found it hard to keep his tears contained. He was just so happy, so relieved, that he could break down simply because of that. He spent all of this time worrying and in pain only for her to realize that she had to get used to it, and she couldn't just ignore it anymore. Maybe next would be his identity.

"Are you okay?" She asked, probably noticing how red Karl's face was, or how his fingers trembled as he held his fork.

He nodded nervously, hiccuping and covering his mouth with his other hand. "Yeah, I just... I wasn't expecting that." He looked at her again, literally having to put his fork down so he couldn't see his own shaking. "I thought you'd separate us again."

His mom's face dropped, and she shook her head slowly. "No." She sighed, seeming to think about it. "I think I was wrong to take you apart in the first place. I mean, I don't see you all the time anymore, you like being in your room. But when I do see you, it looks like you're lighting up the whole room, like you're doing so much better than before." She was suddenly avoiding eye contact, which made Karl puzzled at first, but then he noticed that she was tearing up as well. He froze, not really knowing what to do. Of course he'd seen his mother cry before; she did often, although not as much as him. But across the table, and in an empathetic manner? To Karl? He felt like this wasn't reality. He found himself pinching his arm, but this wasn't a dream. He could feel the pricks of pain biting at his skin when he squeezed it.

"I don't want to be a bad mom to you." She confessed. "And although we won't... we won't agree on some things, I still want you to know that I'm always here for you and I love you."

"I love you too," Karl whispered, feeling like his words were echoing back to him a thousand times. He glanced at his food, and wasn't sure if he was hungry or not. He was just feeling so many intense emotions that he couldn't focus on eating. He wiped at his eyes, wanting to act like he wasn't crying, but he was. The table fell silent, and all he could do was sit there with his mind blank while his mother finished her plate.

Eventually she got up and moved to the kitchen to put her plate in the sink. She turned, giving Karl a thoughtful look as he sat there with his head in his hands, but ended up leaving him alone. She made her way upstairs, while Karl just stared at the half-eaten plate of spaghetti in front of his eyes.

So much of his life had just changed in the blink of an eye. At one moment he was lying every other second in order to protect himself from the tyranny of his own mother, and at the next he was able to talk about his partner freely without rational fear of being separated. He picked up his phone where it had been sitting face-down against the table, and remembered that he wanted to check if she had snooped through his apps. He turned it on, and double-tapped the home button, only to see a few apps open. And when he clicked on them, they restarted, meaning they hadn't been opened in quite some time. He pressed his lips together. He didn't get as much information as he thought. But one thing was for sure; she didn't open as many apps as he would've thought she would when he handed his phone over to her possession.

Everything he was learning today was a delightful surprise.

Karl ended up having a few more bites of his food, but he still had to scrape the rest into the trash before he headed upstairs. He plopped into bed, and plugged in his phone, immediately going to text Sapnap above anything else.

honkkarl: I got my phone back! :]

sapnapinsta: yesss thats so good i'm glad

honkkarl: It literally wasn't even hard she just gave it to me

honkkarl: It was so weird

honkkarl: And she basically said that it was okay for us to be together so

sapnapinsta: wait WHAT

honkkarl: yea <3

sapnapinsta: KARL THATS HUGE

honkkarl: I know I would be freaking out about it more but I honestly can't believe it happened

sapnapinsta: I WANNA CELEBRATE SO BAD

honkkarl: She did say that sleepovers and unsupervised visits aren't allowed though

sapnapinsta: I mean that's fair i guess as much as I'd like sleepovers

honkkarl: Yeah I get it but at the same time it's like we're still so young you know

sapnapinsta: we're not as young as you'd like to imagine karl

honkkarl: We're 15 Sapnap

sapnapinsta: true but that means we are gonna be adults in three years o_o

honkkarl: That's crazy what the heck

honkkarl: Wow I guess idk

sapnapinsta: we can just finally enjoy ourselves in the now

sapnapinsta: no more hiding

sapnapinsta: Just do what should've been fine from day one

honkkarl: Like

sapnapinsta: like maybe you could come over

sapnapinsta: Or we could go out somewhere together

honkkarl: Oh yeah :o

honkkarl: I'll ask her