A Day In The Life

Consolation

Something changed in Sarah after those days. 
If she was crying a lot from before, it wasn't getting any better now.
She felt fear of losing her dad, he had let her down by not being there when she needed him the most. She felt like she couldn't trust him to be there when she called for him anymore. Thus she couldn't let him out of sight.
It seemed like dad actually understood that, to a certain point.

Even if Joel was a grown man, he knew things didn't work that way, he kind of felt the same.
He couldn't let her go as much as a second, in fear that she might just..disappear, you know?
Of course she wouldn't,  but that was just not appealing to Joel's feelings right now.

Sarah was sobbing like from pains that first evening when they finally were together at home again.  Internal pains.
Joel was tired and achy all over, but as much as Sarah cried again now, at least she was back at home.
Joel had never thought he would feel  actually grateful to have Sarah's crying, but now he did.
The apartment had been way too silent these last days,  he couldn't function, wasn't able to do about anything.

Joel found it best to go straight to bed. They both needed some hours of good sleep.

It felt like everything was done in a kind of fog. Joel couldn't think straight, he felt like everything was unreal somehow. Like on autopilot he undressed them both, changed Sarah and went straight to the bedroom.
He didn't even once think about putting Sarah in her own bed. No way!  She was staying with him!
He fell down on the bed, aching in every cell of his body, holding Sarah close, so close.
-We need to calm down a little bit now. Try to sleep, ok?

But Sarah couldn't.  She felt dizzy all the time and was scared shitless of that Big Black,  if she fell into it, maybe dad would be gone when she woke up again. She kept on kicking her small feet and twisting her upper body uneasy to try to control the dizzy feeling in her head.
It somehow felt like it worked, but she couldn't really sleep that way though.
She was moaning from despair.

Right now Joel couldn't care less about what child-professors warned about shortcuts. 
Even if Sarah was now closer to 2 than 1, Joel didn't give a damn shit. He let her, and let himself.
JUST BECAUSE.
They needed eachother after what had happened.

-You want me to fix you some milk?
-Uhu!! Sarah still hadn't learn how to use yes and no right, she still didn't nod or shake her head, but she answered with uhu and uh-uh. It was completly understandable, but Joel didn't know where she got that from, he supposed he did those uhus and uhuhs as well, but still?
-You mean yes, right?
-Uhu.
-Ok.

Joel had to work a little bit some seconds to get his brain connected to his legs to get them working. He pretty much rolled himself out of bed.
Sarah panicked,  she took it for granted dad would carry her with him, but he didn't,  he was way too achy and tired.
-Just wait here for like 2 minutes, I'll be back.
-Noooo daaaad! (Oh yeah, there she could use the word no)
-I'm just going to the kitchen, it's ok!
-Nooo!!
Joel had already started up his feet, now he couldn't really stop them. He moved over to the kitchen like a zombie, now almost not feeling anything anymore.

Sarah freaked out, and slid backwards down from the bed. She couldn't really run yet , she could walk when dad held her hand, but this was emergency, she had to move quick, crawling was quicker.
She crawled the fastest she could after him, finally catching up at him when he stopped in front of the counter.
She rushed in to him, and with shivering movements she wrapped her both arms around his right leg and clinged on to it as if her life depended on it.
Some small hairs on his bare calf was tickling her cheek, but she didn't care.
Usually Sarah hated hairs tickling in her face, but now the fear of him leaving her was too big to let go.
-Aw, Sarah. Come here.
Joel bent down and scooped her up. Finally!
Sarah grabbed a fistful of his t-shirt in her right hand and rubbed her face against his chest, like she used to sometimes. Joel found that a little weird, but it was just something she did often times. That was Sarah's way of feeling his warmth and smell better in to her face and her nostrils, but dad didn't know that.
-You want me to warm it? Joel was talking about the milk and she went uhu again. Joel kind of waited for her to nod at his questions like that,  but at the same time not. He knew she wouldn't.
-Ok.
Sarah tensed up and hid her face completly in to dad, she hated that sound from the microwave! Even though she tried to connect that sound to something to look forward to, she hated it. It was a scary sound!
Not those beeps actually,  they were funny. But that sound it made when dad turned it on and it was cooking.
It was terrible. Fortunatly it was quick every time though.
She moaned from a kind of pain inside from the sound and dad stroke her hair and kissed her head.
Joel shook the bottle and tested a few drops on his wrist.
-Just gotta make sure it's not too hot for you.  It's ok. Here you go.
He reached it to her and Sarah grabbed it with a greedy movement.
-Now we try go to bed again, yeah?

It was easier now. Sarah snuggled down  close to dad, drinking her milk and holding on to her bottle with both hands,  not because she needed to anymore, but just to hold on to something hard. It seemed like that kept that dizzy feeling a little more distant.
Gently and ever so softly dad ran one and two of his fingers down her forehead, her nose and sometimes her eyelids.
-Close your eyes, dad said softly.
Sarah tried. She knew what he wanted from her when he stroked his fingers on her nose like that.  It always gave her a very sleepy feeling inside.
But then that dizzy, scary feeling came along again and she had to look at dad to have something to focus her eyes on. And to make sure he was still there.
-Keep them closed, dad continued in his barely audible voice.
Her eyelids went heavier and more difficult to open every time dad stroked her. She could feel how the warmth spread in her body. She grabbed a hold on her butterfly which was resting between them, and then she finally drifted off.

Joel was slowly falling asleep himself, on and off, from her monotone, content sounds, and her breathing belly close to his chest. It had a very calming effect on him.
He looked at her one last time before he   was gone. She was SO beautiful.  The most precious in every single way.
He gently removed some hairstrains covering her left eye.
-Fyfan vad jag älskar dig!! (Fuck, I love you so much) he whispered.