A Day In The Life

Not without my daughter

Those days were the worst Sarah had ever felt, she was terrified. 

There were always lots of white people around her, why were they all white? They looked the same, and they looked like the walls all around,  being white as well.
Her bed was white, the bars were cold and hard metal, not like the wooden ones in her bed at home. At home she could stick her toes out between the bars to like, feel she was flying,  at least her leg could pretend like it. Some times she liked to rest her head in to them, she had always done that, since she was a baby.  Dad was so frustrated by her a time way back when he tried to mount some soft bands around them for her to not hurt herself on them, but she teared it away so many times dad removed them. Sarah liked to feel something hard and stable against her forehead when she was supposed to sleep.

She couldn't  do that now.  She tried, in a desperate search for comfort, something that felt safe and familiar,  but that didn't work. These bars were way too cold and dad wasn't there to tickle her toes when she stretched them out.

There was nothing there to remind her of home.

  She didn't even get her butterfly! She always had her butterfly, the one she got from Emma, with her. She loved it. Now it was gone.

There was nothing. Everything was different. 
There were always lots of sounds around her, kids crying,  people speaking, people walking... impossible to sleep, even though Sarah didn't sleep too much anyway.

Often times there would be some kind adults speaking to her, playing with her, and the first times she found herself believing that everything would be ok, there were actually people there she liked! Then that person suddenly disappeared and she never saw them again.  Or they would be really funny, making faces and tickling her, then suddenly they undressed her and put her in machines that made so much noises she wanted to explode, or they did painful things to her like putting a needle in her arm. WHYYY??
Sarah found these things incredibly painful. Why did they do this to her???

She learned she couldn't trust these white adults. There were no one she could turn to.

She refused to eat. She screamed and acted up, threw everything away when they offered it to her.
They tried to feed her a bottle, but no way! She was too big to be fed like that (yes, she was) and it didn't taste the same like dad made anyway. She really tried her best when they finally forced her, but she threw it up again.
She learned that was not good,  because after that then they started pushing and squeezing on her stomach, which was... the worst.

The clothes they put on her smelled funny and felt wrong, everything was... just WRONG.

She really started to cry all the time, screaming and sobbing for dad. No tickling or funny faces worked no more.
She just turned away and wanted her dad.

Joel could hear her sniffles as soon as the nurse opened the door to her room.
She was soo tiny in that big bed, all that white around her, allthough Joel couldn't see more of her than the conture of her body through the covers.
She had dragged the covers all up over her, only some small tips of her hair sticking out.
Joel just wanted to run over to her and hold her as tight as he never had done before,  but as he new she wasn't that up to surprises, he restrained himself.
He tiptoed over to her bed, softly stroked her hairtips.

Sarah could smell something familiar. Something was touching her hair, and there were... fingers? that smelled like... dads?
It couldn't be! She was just dreaming, for sure!
She crawled up together,  clenched her eyes shut and tried to make the dream go away.
It didn't.
There was still stroking.  And a knee that cracked.
There were definitly someone there for real! Someone that smelled like dad!

-Lilla hjärtat! a voice whispered. 
It sounded like dad, but it couldn't be.
But there was NO ONE in the whole world except from him, calling her that! Only dad was allowed to! That was HIS words!
Sarah slowly pulled the covers down, revealing her face.
And there was dad!!
Squatting in front of her, smiling widely with tears running from his eyes.

Why? Why did he feel sad??
She reached out to stroke his cheek, like he used to do to her when she was sad. And she could feel he was real. He was real!!

-DAD!!! She cried, everything that was so painful and scary welled out of her, it hurt so much she cried even more from it, and she streched her arms to him, to let him know she was ready to be picked up and held.
He scooped her up and she clinged to him. She could feel the Big Black forming around her again, but she  forced it away, remembering what happened the last time. The Big Black took her dad away from her.

With Sarah in his arms Joel walked over to a woman standing in the corner of the room. Sarah didn't see her before.

-It's all good now, he said to the woman.
-We're leaving England.
-I don't think you can do that.
-I think I can.
-Your daughter is being examined for abuse.
-She has been for several days.  Did they find anything? No?
-Still.
-Still what? She's still my daughter, and I'm still her dad.
-Where are you planning to go?
-Sweden. We got our family there.
-Only you can go.
-Not without my daughter.
-The child stays.
-Hell no. I'm taking her with me. Don't try stop me!
-The deal was that you two were allowed to go home to Brighton, not leave the country.
-We're not able to go tonight if that's  what you're thinking.
-In any case you have to wait for the conclusion.
-Whatever.
Sarah was getting fussy and impatient, they had to leave.
Together. 
Finally!

- I would never leave you, right? I will ALWAYS come back for you, and I really hope you know! For the rest of our lives.