Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 58.

I always found it strange how attached people grew to their pets. That's until I got Willow because ever since then I couldn't imagine life without her. She's a cat, it sounds so ridiculous but sometimes when I'm at my lowest she always knows.

There's no lying about being 'fine' with my cat.

When the tears could no longer fall from my eyes I could feel them begin to swell. Each time I'd blink it would sting and each swallow would feel like swallowing needles. My heart ached, as well as my stomach and every other muscle in my body. My head just felt so heavy and so I gave up even moving it, I just sat there with my head tilted back against the wall staring up at the ceiling in complete silence aside from Willow's constant purring.

I felt empty, completely empty, broken and exhausted.

My bathroom is so light and the daylight usually shines through the sunlight on the ceiling, however all I could see was darkness. Everything just felt so dark and I don't even know why.

It wasn't even that I'm just sad over everything I've just found out from Harry. I was sad, I was angry, I was disappointed but that wasn't enough to send me down this dark, haunted path because I've had much worse things said to me by a man. I think it was just the icing on the cake.

Harry was a matchstick and I was a can of gasoline waiting to explode.

The only time I moved from my position on my bathroom floor was to wander through to my bedroom, grab the picture of my mum I have placed on my desk and then I wandered back to the bathroom, back to that same position on the floor in the corner for god knows what reason.

The second I slumped down against the wall I held her picture close to my chest and the tears began to fall again, burning my cheeks as they fell from my swollen waterlines. This time I wasn't holding my mouth shut with my hand, I couldn't because I was clinging on to this picture so tightly.

"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture..."

I sang out quietly to our song that's been hitting much harder over the past year. "and save it from the funny tricks of time, slipping through my fingers-"

All hell broke loose, there's floods of tears streaming down my face at this point and I was crying so audibly my neighbours must think I've been fucking murdered.

The only thing that ever would've fixed this is my mother and she's never going to be able to look me in the eyes and tell me everything's okay ever again. It destroys me each time I think of it.

Almost a year since she died and I'm still in disbelief.

So I sat sobbing relentlessly on my bathroom floor hugging her picture because it's the closest I'm ever going to get to doing that again.

It's so easy to lose track of time when you get so lost inside your own head. When the darkness began to creep in after the sunlight begun fading I slowly began to snap back into reality, only to realise that I've been sat fully awake on my bathroom floor hugging this picture for hours.

Hours of me staring at the roof in complete numbness, desperate to feel just something.

Another hour was wasted in the shower, standing naked under the water unable to make any movements because even lifting my arm to move the water from my stinging eyes felt like a chore. I stood blankly staring at my bathroom tiles for so long, just listening to the water hit my back and and steam up the glass pane beside me.