YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT // Kurt Cobain

Chapter 18

"Erin Murbach, for the love of Buddha almighty, you've got to tell me what's going on, I'm gonna die," Kurt said with the most serious expression ever. I tried to hold in my laugh.

"Kurt, I love you--"

"And I love you with all my heart. Spit it out, woman."

"I'm pregnant."

The room went eerily quiet for a few seconds as Kurt took in this foreign information. I held my breath, completely unsure and insecure of his reaction.

He didn't speak, but his hand went to my stomach, and I instinctively slapped his hand away. "Please don't do that," I begged him, and he held his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, I didn't know--"

"Kurt, I hate kids."

"I know," Kurt replied. "But do not, by any means, feel pressured to keep it just because I want kids. I want you to be comfortable and if having a kid inside you is uncomfortable, you don't need my permission to take any actions you might want to take."

Tears welled up in my eyes, as it hit me as to what he was suggesting. I had always told myself that I was willing to get an abortion. But now that there were a bunch of cells inside me combining mine and Kurt's DNA, I felt incredibly conflicted.

"No, baby, don't cry, I'm sorry--"

"I'm fine," I assured him, "I've just never considered every option before. Kurt, I want to be with you, and I don't want to withhold your dream of having kids because of my selfishness."

"But it's not being selfish, love. What do you want to do?"

I held my lips in a tight line before opening my mouth to verbalize my decision.

"I'm gonna keep it."

"Are you sure?"

"Jesus Christ, Kurt, do you want this baby or not?"

Now it was Kurt's eyes that welled up with tears. "Yes. I do. Very much."

I smiled softly, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he kissed me passionately, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly. We parted shortly after. "You're gonna be a dad," I told him. I wasn't sure about the mother part, but I would figure it out. I watched Kurt grin like the Cheshire Cat.

"I'm gonna be a dad."

II: October 31, 1991

TW: MISCARRIAGE

In the middle of the night, I felt my lower abdomen cramping. I removed Kurt's arm from my waist in a hurry, rushing to the bathroom. Blood was all over the place. I put my hand over my mouth to prevent any sobs from escaping; I was unsuccessful.

Moments later, Kurt, in a half-asleep stupor, rammed into the bathroom doorway. He woke up fully after that, taking in the situation in front of him. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say anything.

Kurt pulled me into him, and I cried into his chest, choking out multiple "I'm sorry"'s as he rubbed my back in circles. "It's not your fault," he whispered, "this just wasn't meant for us, at least not right now."

I pulled away, wiping my eyes. "But how am I supposed to believe that? It's like even my body is rejecting children, it's not just in my psyche. I'm afraid you'll never be happy with me."

"I'll survive, Erin. I loved you first before the baby... don't think that my love for you is conditional. I'll never stop loving you." As soon as my sobs ceased to exist, they poured out of me once again. All I could do was let Kurt hold me.

III: November 11, 1991

Greg approached me as I sat on the couch, eating my salt and vinegar chips, sour patch kids, and smoking a blunt. He sat down a good two feet away from me, folding his hands together.

"I'm sorry, Erin," he said, and I nearly screamed. Did he know? Was my depression really that bad? Fuck, I mean, Kurt had been trying to get me out of the trailer every once in a while, all while trying to let me healthily grieve, trying to carry the tour on his back, and battling his heroin addiction.

Thomas walked into the room, doing a double take as he saw me inhaling my blunt. "I thought you were quitting smoking!" he exclaimed, and I stared back at him, dumbfounded. How was I going to explain this?

"No, that can't be true," Greg retorted back at Thomas, "Erin literally lives off of nicotine and weed. She'd have to be possessed by Christ himself to even make an attempt to quit."

"That's what I said!" Thomas agreed, grabbing a beer from the mini fridge and retreating back to the bunks, leaving me and Greg alone on the couch again, in possibly the most awkward position I had ever been in.

"Erin, I know I've been a dick recently, but I was your friend before all this shit happened, and I want to be here for you if something is going on."

I held in my incoming tears, clenching my fists and trying to keep my breathing steady. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because I love you." I deadpanned. "As a friend."

"That's better."

"So are you going to tell me what's up or are you going to be on the brink of crying for the remainder of this conversation?"

"I had a miscarriage," I whispered, and Greg's eyes widened.

"Oh shit, E, I'm so unbelievably sorry," he actually looked genuinely heartbroken as he scooted closer to me in order to hug me tightly. Maybe I had a chance to make things right with Greg and get all of this love triangle stuff over with. Or maybe not, because Greg kissed my forehead.

"You've got to be kidding me," I heard from the trailer door, and I looked up, ripping myself away from Greg to see Kurt, furious.

"Kurt," I tried to ease the tension building, "nothing is happening. I just told him about the--"

"Oh, so now you're bringing him into our relationship? That's just perfect." Kurt rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair, the other one on his hip. He began to pace back and forth.

"I've got to go. See you later."

"Kurt--" I pleaded.

"See you later, Erin."

IV: December 1992

"Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love have weathered a media storm this year, fueled by rumors of the couple's prenatal indulgences. Longtime friend Jonathan Poneman finds them hopelessly addicted to their baby. Frances Bean Cobain, the nearly nine-pound daughter of punkdom's premier couple, is an exceptionally beautiful, robust baby."

END OF PART II

A/N not me listening to Fearless (Taylor's Version) on repeat the entire time I was writing this

But what a CLIFFHANGER GODDAMN!

If you're still here, I want to thank you for your continued reading, votes, and comments-- it makes my day to see y'all enjoying my work.

With that said: Part III- IN UTERO will be released consistently throughout the next few weeks/months. But we're almost at the end of the road, friends. I'm getting a bit sad and I don't want to let Erin go. I'll definitely be starting new Nirvana works, though. So I'm kind of hyped about that.

Stay safe friends, ily

xoNyquila