Trials and Consequences of Love

Chapter 3

As if one date wasn't bad enough, he asked me out a second time and the obsession I have with pleasing others and disappointing myself prevented me from saying no. One date led to another and another until we ended up together. According to him, he saw something in me that he has never seen in another woman before and he simply had to make me his. I was truly flattered, never in my life had I ever gotten that much attention from a man; he was everywhere that I was, he wanted to do everything with me, he made sure I was never alone, he did things for me that no other man ever did, he went extra lengths just to put a smile on my face; he did all this without even asking for so much as a kiss.

He is good with words, truly; so good he convinced me to convince myself that I loved him. He broke me down, stripped me of the person that I was, and made me into the person he wanted me to be; he made me feel like I was his greatest accomplishment and, in more ways, than one I think I really am. He made me feel insecure, he made me feel ugly, at one point I started to stay at home just because he made me feel like I wasn't worth looking at, he made me feel worthless, useless really; and he did all that just so that he could come in and save the day. He told me that no matter what the world said that I'd still be beautiful to him, that he would love me and care for me no matter what anybody did or said.

I spent so much time away from civilization that I forgot how to have a decent conversation, I didn't look in mirrors because I grew to hate myself and what I saw looking back at me in mirrors disgusted me. He took great pride in that, breaking me down, making me weak, convincing me that he was the only person in the world that I could trust because he was the only person who would never lie to me; not my mother, not my father, not Alia, not Aria, just him. I think making me feel so weak, so powerless, made him feel strong, made him feel unstoppable in some messed up kind of way.

What's even worse after he did all this to me, made me into a shell of a person, drained the life from me; I still wasn't enough for him. He cheated on me multiple times and when I asked him about it, he convinced me that it was my fault; he told me I wasn't doing enough and that sometimes I was doing too much, I was either too annoying or not annoying enough; I was never just right, always either too little or too much.

He always wants me to change, constantly and like the good little girl I am I always do as I am told, I have changed so much trying to please him that I have run out of things to change into. I changed so much I lost myself completely, to this day I can barely recognize who I am.

You know what the worst part is? He convinced me that everything that ever happened between me and him was an act of love, he told me that he loved me and that's why he treated me the way he did, he told me that this is what true love feels like and love isn't what I read about in books and watch in movies. He told me that love was level ground between a man and his woman, a ground on which battles are fought, trust is gained, trust is lost, and then regained. He said love is the grounds on which tests and trials are thrown at you as is temptation and only the strongest survive to reap the fruits and have a beautiful life together. He told me that our love is strong, he told me that all the tears I cried, all the blood I lost fighting for our relationship was water on the ground, ensuring that the path to our future remained fresh and green. He told me that every disrespectful statement, every deceitful lie, every sleepless night would pay off in the end because love is not a fair game and we have to make sacrifices for the things we want the most.

And I believed him, every word, every syllable of every word, everything he said made sense to me then and I held on to it tighter than I held onto my will to live. I am a puppet and he owns the strings. I have no prior experience with love so I had no room for argument, I knew nothing about love besides the fact that it is a different experience for everyone. I was convinced that he loved me, even after he hit me multiple times, body-shamed me, cheated on me, lied to me, took advantage of me, made me feel like I was worth less than the garbage on the streets, made me feel like I was not even a human being. I stayed with him because he convinced me that I was loved and that nobody in the world would love me as much as he does.