christian dior | lil peep

15. pop tarts

i woke up, startled. my phone was going off in every possible way, gus' name lit up on the screen. "fuck" i mumbled to myself. "morning! are you getting up anytime soon?" gus asked me "huh?" i said confused. "it's 10:30" gus told me. i pulled the phone away from my ear to confirm, shit i hadn't even looked at the time. "yeah give me a second" i said and hung up the phone. i rushed through my morning routine in the bathroom, trying to make myself look somewhat presentable.

"hi" gus said cheerily as i entered the room, "someone's in a good mood today" i commented. "i can be an asshole if you prefer that" he said "no, no. i just noticed, why so happy though?" i asked, "you're here" he said. "you have medication to take now" i said, dumping the pills into his hand. "also, you're like completely out of food if you give me your card i'll go buy groceries if you think you're okay here for like an hour" i informed him of the tragic situation in his kitchen, "i'll be okay, pass me my wallet" he said. i threw the black wallet off of his dresser to him. he still had a picture of us in it. "here" he passed me the card. "okay, i'll be as quick as i can. text me if you need anything"

i grabbed gus some basic necessities and some stuff that contained actual nutrients, and a few snacks i knew he liked and hoped he would eat.

kennedy
on my way home

gus
miss you!

kennedy
i got pop tarts

gus
will u marry me

kennedy
no

i let myself back into the apartment, unloading the groceries into the kitchen. i threw a pop tart in the toaster for gus to try and convince him to eat. i handed him the plate, which he took. "thanks babe" he said. i'd learned to tune out most of his comments and calling me babe or whatever. "i'm gonna shower" i told him. "aight" gus said, finally eating.

being here was so hard, everything reminded me of us. "at least he got rid of the 3-in-1" i said, noticing that he had kept buying the exact same 4 products i picked out for him. i stood under the hot water, relaxing a little as it ran down my body. i stood there for a good 10 minutes once i was done washing my hair, everytime i felt like i was making a step forward away from my fucked up relationship with gus i ended up taking two steps back as soon as something reminded me of us or i spent too much time with him.

i stepped out of the shower and wiped the fog off the mirror with my hand. i looked at myself in the small space i had cleared, "you're a fucking idiot" i mumbled to myself. i was startled out of my little trance i had gotten myself into. gus was coughing up a lung in the other room, it didn't sound good. "ah shit" i cursed, rapidly dressing myself. "are you ok— holy fuck" i panicked. gus coughed violently, blood splotting over his hand. he hunched over his knees, i rushed to his side "i cant fucking breathe", he struggled to get out. "oh my god, oh god" i panicked more, having no idea what to do.

i pulled out my phone and called 911, rambling to the operator about what was going on. they had an ambulance on the way. i tried to call gus down, which wasn't working well considering how freaked out i was. gus was barely managing to get half a breath in between coughs, his whole body shaking with each outburst. "you're gonna be okay right?" i half asked, half told him. "i don't know" he said.

i could here the paramedics coming down the hall, i went to open the door for them. the room felt like it was spinning around me, all the voices in the room turning into just ringing in my ears. my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest. the woman tapped me on the shoulder, "we're going now hun, if you're wanting to come". i didn't answer, my head still not there. i just followed her blindly to the ambulance.

she immediately had to start procedures on gus, i sat quietly in the corner not wanting to open my eyes. "pulse is weakening, can you get us there any faster?" she said into her radio. i guess i had started hyperventilating a little, the paramedic turning her attention to me for a second. "ma'am he's going to be okay, but i just need you to relax for us okay? just breathe. deep breaths hun" she said, trying to calm me.

the ambulance finally pulled into the hospital lot, i followed quickly behind them as they rushed gus in. "we're losing him!" one of the doctors shouted as he was transferred between staff. "no!" i cried, trying to follow him as far as i could. a doctor stopped me, "ma'am we can't have you any further past this point, please have a seat in the waiting room and we'll let you know anything as soon as we know it" he said.

tears were burning my eyes as i sobbed uncontrollably in the uncomfortable vinyl hospital chair. there was another girl, probably close to my age in the waiting room as well. she walked over to me, "are you okay?" she asked me, "not really" i said while wiping my tears. "i'm rachel, if you need to talk" she told me. i ended up talking to rachel for a while, spilling my entire history and story with gus to her. rachel just listened, not seeming to judge. "i'm sorry i'm talking way too much" i apologized, "it's okay, i'm listening" rachel told me. "thank you, this means a lot to me" i told her.

"gus åhr?" a nurse said into the room, trying to find his companion. i jumped out of my seat, eager to hear anything. "he's stable, but barely. you can come see him" she said. "kennedy, by the way, you're a rare case but you love each other so don't stop keeping each other from it. it's okay" rachel told me before i walked off with the nurse, i smiled at her before we went through the doors.

there he was again, looking frail in a hospital bed. "the puncture hadn't healed properly, he was internally bleeding into his lungs" the nurse told me as if i knew what any of it meant. "he's lucky" she told me. "can we have a minute?" i asked the nurse "sure" she said, stepping out.

"it took me almost losing you twice to realize i could never actually be okay being without you. i love you gus, can we try again?" i asked him, rachel's last words to me being the final push i needed to make the choice. "i thought you'd never ask" he said. i leaned over the bed to gently lay my head on his stomach, enjoying the peace in my head after finally letting myself make choice. "i love you kenny, i promise i'll be the best i could possibly be for you. i swear to god you won't shed another single tear over me" gus promised. "i love you too gus"

a/n

there prolly like 5ish chapters left of this? idk maybe 6 or 7

do not use this book as relationship advice if he cheats on u YOU RUN BITCH U RUN AS FAR AWAY AS U CAN because men SUCK okay

chapter question: what's a questionable habit u have? i often eat half of something, put it down and forget about it until hours later like the half eaten piece of pizza i found on top of my dryer today from last night