christian dior | lil peep

9. i've had laundry sitting on my chair for longer than that

"it's our two months, what should i do?" i asked addison, "kennedy i've had laundry sitting on my chair for longer than that" addison told me. she didn't get it. "addi, i'm serious. i really like him, we're taking things seriously. i could really see a future with him" i explained to her. "does he make you happy?" she asked "very" i said. are you comfortable with him, you feel safe?" she continued the interrogation. "yes" i said. "you can see a stable and dependable future with him?" addison asked, "yes addi" i said, beginning to get annoyed with her antics. "well do you love him?" she asked.

i had to stay silent for a moment, did i? gustav made me incredibly happy, he was always the best part of my day and i looked forward to the next time i could see him every time we were apart. i felt safe with him. he had really proved himself as a person and gave me the best parts of himself, there was obvious chemistry and attraction between us no one could deny. after the one incident we were somehow brought back together so maybe it it meant to be.

"yeah addi, i think i do" i told her. "well, tell him that" she said. "do you think it's a good idea?" i asked, "if he feels the same, i'm sure he'd be overjoyed" addison said. "i guess you're right" i told her. "are you home tonight?" i asked, maybe i could have gus over here for once. "i can be gone if you need me to" she offered, "it would be appreciated" i told her "i'll make plans no worries" she told me. "thanks addi you're the best" i said, blowing her a kiss.

kennedy
gussiepooooooo

gus
yes?

kennedy
addison's gone tonight, wanna hang out here tonight?

gus
sure thing

kennedy
meet me here at 6

gus
see you then lover

i know two months wasn't really all that huge of a deal, but it was still a little special so i at least wanted to spend the night with gus. i still didn't have anything planned, clearly planning and decision making are not my strong suits. i was definitely falling harder for gustav every single day and hoping for many more months to come.

gus had regained my trust, i've always had a problem with trusting people too easily. i may just be setting myself up to get hurt again and missing any red flags he's giving me but gus had been very transparent about his day to day life and gave me nothing to worry about.

gus arrived at my front door, i let him in so i could immediately throw my arms around his neck "i missed you" i told him. "i missed you too babe" he told me. gus let go of me sooner than he usually does, "kennedy i gotta tell you something" he told me. uh oh. "what is it?" i asked in a weary tone, stepping back from him. "it's nothing bad i just don't want you to think i'm crazy or in over my head or going way to fast" he said. "well go ahead then" i told him, at least it wasn't bad.

"kenny i know two months isn't a very long time, but my feelings are too strong to not tell you how i really feel. kennedy i've been falling more and more in love with you since the very first time we spoke. i love you, i know it hasn't been long but i love you" gus told me, he immediately looked at the ground and hunched his shoulders once he was done speaking.

"gustav" i said, taking both his hands. "you don't have to feel the same, it's okay. i know it's soon" he said. "no, gus i was gonna tell you the same thing tonight. i love you too" i said, brushing his hair out of his face. "you're keeping me sane, it feels like you're the only one i have left sometimes" gus told me. "you'll always have me, no matter what. i promise. i love you" i reassured him.

it was obvious that gus was struggling, he was sinking with very little to keep him afloat. i was doing all i could for him but it was hard when he denied struggling and almost always put on the tough guy act. some days i could really see the light inside him dying, and i know he is becoming dependent on me.

"do you wanna go out tonight?" i asked him, we'd actually been staying in a lot lately. that's how i knew he wasn't well. "can we stay in actually? i'm just really tired" gus asked. "sure" i said. gus said he was tired all the time, but when he wasn't with me he spent most of his time sleeping. "how're you feeling?" i asked, "living the dream" he said. i knew he was lying but he hated when i tried to dig when he didn't feel like talking.

gustav laid across my legs on the couch, fighting to stay awake. "i love you ken, i need you. more than you know" he said. i needed gus too, my world felt whole with him in it. "i'm sorry if i end up being more than you bargained for. thank you for choosing me" gus said. he was talking kind of strangely today "gus are you sure you're alright? you know you're never going to be too much for me, i love all of you and i'm here for all of you" i told him.

gus had seemed to be going slightly more downhill each day since the night he texted me to come over because he couldn't be alone. i know myself and i know that i trust too easily and that i let myself become a rehab for broken men too easily. there was something so special and so different about him though, we really both needed to find each other when we did.

a/n

sheesh i am tired update will b late tomorrow night btw

chapter question: do u speak more than one language? i'm a native english speaker and extremely rusty french speaker (i've lost most of it over the last few years :(   )