Remembering A Time Before

Chapter 2: Late x Night x Discussions

   The small clearing on the cliff above the lapping water seems smaller than Killua remembers. Each footstep on the rich soil feels foreign and familiar, all at the same time.

   Killua sits down, crossing his legs and staring at the ground, feeling lost about it all— all of the emotions he should be feeling instead of what he is feeling, all of the responsibilities he should be thinking of rather than what he is thinking of.

   "So," Gon breaks the silence. Well, silence if you don't include the trickling water or the distant hum of nocturnal wildlife. "What made Killua decide to visit? I know it's a risk staying in one area with Alluka and Nanika for long."

   Killua lets out a shaky sigh, "Kurapika is aboard the Black Whale."

   "Leorio told me."

   Killua nods, "but Kurapika mentioned you spoke to your dad, who's leading a separate expedition."

   Something about the air between them changes. Killua instantly feels like a parent lecturing a child for missing out on an opportunity when in actuality, it was quite the contrary.

   "I can't use... nen anymore." Gon's lips slightly quiver, lids narrowing, and his posture timid. "Ging mentioned it's like starting over— that my nodes are shut, and-," his voice cracks, yet it's hardly noticeable, "and that I'm lucky that I have the opportunity to start over after I threw everything away."

   Yes, he threw everything away. Killua swallows hard.

   "I didn't even know I was hurting Killua until I saw him walking down the town streets with a young girl. No," he gulps, and Killua could hear the strain behind it, "I knew. I did what you feared most over and over again, but for some reason, I thought it would all blow over. It seemed like any other time before I saw your face."

   Killua remembers the exact time Gon was speaking of. He sauntered down the paved streets of Town Square with Alluka an hour or so after she woke up. Alluka wanted to look at the new types of jewelry; Killua couldn't refuse.

   Of course, he expected to run into Gon sooner or later, and he now wonders, which was harder? Seeing Gon with mangled limbs and piled with bandages? Or seeing him bright and sunny as if nothing ever happened— as if this was normal?

   Amidst crowds of commonfolk and traders, Gon touched his shoulder, and the single touch of his palm told Killua, it's him. But the shock, the happiness intermingling with horror crashed like a tidal wave, and his expression told no lies. Though he couldn't see himself during that time, he could imagine what his face showed. Pupils contracted in fear, mouth slightly agape, and shoulders tense with limbs shaky. He looked at Gon like he was a monster and a god, all at once.

   "Killua, what did you see when you saw me that time?"

   Killua snapped back into the present. "I-" his heartbeat was too loud, a sound deadening him from the world around him. "I don't know," he half-lied.

   "I see." Gon narrows his eyes, expression saddened.

   Killua listens to the fire crackle, patiently waiting for his heart to beat in a tranquil rhythm before speaking again. Embers flicker like fireflies.

   Fireflies. Another memory with Gon.

   Killua clears his throat, "so do you plan on venturing to the Dark Continent?"

   Gon turns his head, wide-eyed, "does Killua?"

   "Not sure," Killua replies honestly. "It depends on a multitude of things." He smiles, "one of which depending on whether you're an easy kill or not."