Arrived from nowhere

"I never told him, I love him ..."

        “Yes.” she said in a small, almost inaudible voice, but I could feel that she was lying to me so as not to worry. 

       “What were you so afraid of ?” She didn't answer me, I just continued rocking her back and forth very gently, I kiss her forehead, tenderly before resting my head against her right montral. “Is it Caesar ?”. 

My poor little Snips, a week had passed and still any news of her son, she had nightmares, every night without exception, I feel her pain through our bond and I rush to her room to comfort her. Once she had calmed down a bit, I gently pushed her back, onto her bed and pulled the covers over her. It was clear that she wouldn't be going back to sleep on her own and not anytime soon. “Is there anything I can do to help you ?”

  “No.” 

         “Ahsoka, tell me.” I heard her sigh and finally nodding before looking away. 

She didn't answer me, refusing to look at me, but why, was it out of shame ?

       “Do you want me to stay with you ?” She looked up at me confused and uncertain, I knew she needed it, but she wouldn't ask me herself, I could feel she was ashamed of being so afraid and feeling weak, it made me a little angry, not at her, I couldn't blame her, it's not her fault, having been raised in the Temple, she was not used to being offered to help her, when a youngling had a nightmare, the Jedi told him to meditate and go back to sleep, when I had a bad dream, I had my mother reassuring me and lay in my bed with me, pulling myself against her, I fell asleep rocking at the sound of her voice, in her arms, it was what I wanted to offer my daughter, -little sister-, the same thing that my mother had offered to me at her age: love and tenderness. 

“Would you do that ?”

     “Sure, Snips.” I slip into the bed, next to her and pull her close to me, her head resting against my chest, I place a tender kiss on her forehead before wrapping my arm around her and rubbing her shoulders with my thumb to reassure her of my presence.

I send her a suggestion of sleep through the Force, which she accepted without resisting. “Thank you, Master. Good night.” She whispered to me before I felt her and Ashla calm down and relax in the Force. 

      I smile at her. “You're welcome, my Padawan. Good night, Snips.” I whispered back to her, even though I knew she couldn't hear me until I fell asleep too.

----

       I felt bad for her, it literally breaks my heart to see her in this state, I felt her panicked and completely scared, I try to comfort her. “We're going to find Caesar. You have to believe it, Ahsoka !”.

She was staring straight ahead, her gaze blank. I wondered what she was thinking, “The day they were born, I didn't look at them … I didn't understand. I was …” She looked away, her eyes fixed on Caesar's baby plush, in her hands, “It was not my babies … It was just not possible in my head …” She looked up eyes again, staring straight ahead, “While him, … him and Ashla, they looked me straight in the eyes … I felt it, …” she smiled, but it was more sadness, than joy, “They already loved me ! … And me loving them, I couldn't do it …” she said, sadly, shaking her head.

   I put my hand on her forearm, “That-that has changed ?”

She was still not looking at me, but was shaking her head, negatively. “I didn't show him enough ! ... When he cried, I got angry ... I-I even almost used the Force on him once !”.