Out Of The Dark

Floods of Thought

Finnick laughs, "Is there any food left for us?"

"Peeta was going to make pancakes," Prim interjects.

"Well, I could certainly use some of those."

"I thought you'd be organising the wedding. Isn't it only in a few days?" I say to Annie.

She nods, "Yes... we have been. It's all ready, I think."

"I look forward to it," I respond.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"Checkmate," I say.

Finnick stares at me, rocking back and forth slightly with the train. "How do you keep winning?"

I just shrug and smile.

"Okay, another game..." Finnick says, arranging all the pieces into position. I catch Katniss in the corner of my eye walking to another carriage.

"I'll be back in a minute," I tell Finnick.

"That's okay. I can figure out how to beat you."

I follow Katniss out of the carriage, down all the cars until I reach the end. It's like the ones before- a wide window so you can see everything you're leaving behind.

"Katniss?" I say, making her turn. "Are you okay?"

She nods slightly. "It's nothing."

"It can't be nothing if it's bothering you."

"It isn't important," she retorts firmly, throwing a hand out to the side. "It's nothing for you to worry about, anyway. And..."

"And what?" I got to hold her hand quietly. She shakes her head again. "You don't have to tell me. I know. I won't make you. But if you need to tell me I won't judge you. That's a promise."

She pulls me close to her, and I wrap my arms around her as she cries. "I'm sorry," her voice is muffled by my shirt.

"It's okay. I love you. Don't be sorry."

"But it's my fault. All of it's my fault."

"Hey," I protest, "nothing is your fault."

"If I'd just left you the other day-"

"What?" I say.

She tries to speak between heaving breaths, "I... when I came into our room the other day..."

"Katniss, I am so sorry. I though it wasn't going to be safe. You don't have to stay with me, I don't want you to if I'm going to hurt you-"

"No!" She shouts at me, tears running down her face. "I-"

I push her away, gripping her shoulders. "Katniss, I do not want to do anything that is dangerous for you. And I'm dangerous. I can't do that to you-"

"Peeta, there was something I was going to tell you."

"What?" I say, my hands falling to my sides. My heart drags down when I realise how tight I'd been holding her, and I worry I've scared her. "What was it," I say, softer this time.

"I thought I was pregnant again. I was going to tell you, maybe make sure, but... I couldn't after what happened."

"You...," if my heart felt low before, it was completely gone at this point, replaced by a dull aching. Or maybe it had just given up. I wouldn't be surprised if I just collapsed here and now. Every inch of me aches, wanting to go back to how we were a long long time ago. Before the Games started. Maybe back to when we were twelve. I could have gone up to her and given her that bread instead of just throwing it towards her. I could have spoken to her, become her friend. "Katniss, I'm so sorry. I... I can't hurt you again. I'm not safe, we both know that."

"Peeta, no." Her voice is firm, just like the glare she shoots me. "I don't think I actually was; not anymore. It just seemed like it. I'm not ready for that again, anyway. We've only just had Willow. And what happened wasn't your fault."

"I- Katniss, I'm sor-"

She cuts me off, "Don't you dare say you're sorry again. Don't apologise for the Capitol's mess they made. It wasn't you... It wasn't... I don't want to think of it being you like that. It's not."

I try to hold back tears, and she hugs me again, letting me wrap my arms around her, bury my face into her shoulder as I lift her up a little. "If anything becomes too much for you, I want you to do what's best for you. Okay? If you insist it's not my fault, please, it will in no way be yours. I'll ask you every step of the way. It's always going to be your choice." I feel her nod. "I love you. But please, don't excuse me for anything I've done."

I put her back on the floor, bringing my hand back down to my side. "I need to go see Willow," she tells me. "See you later."

"Okay," I nod, as Katniss leaves me. Light cascades in through the great window, so bright that I have to turn away, and I whisper to the vanishing landscape, "I'll miss you."

I look back down the carriage, maybe hoping to catch another glance at her, but she's already gone. Oh, If only, I think, this was a dream.

When I come to sit back with Finnick, he's finished setting the chess up and appears to be scrawling something down on a piece of paper.

"What're you doing?"

He looks up from his paper. "Figuring out how to win." Finnick sets the paper upside down on the table and stares at me. "You took a long time. You know, never mind," he smiles. "Time to play."

He moves a pawn, and I move another one to match it, then I remember what Finnick said. "We're just pawns in their massive game."

"Oh my god."

Finnick furrows his brows, "Peeta? Are you okay?"

The thoughts flood back like someone just knocked down a damn. "It's quite the Capitol tragedy. Like they gave her something that meant the baby would die, but they didn't know there were two." The nurse's voice I now know to be Hazel's rings through my head. I automatically shoot up out my seat.

"Finnick they planned this."

"What? Peeta, sit down," he says, grasping at my arm, "I think we need to talk about something."

"Silas," I say. "I think... somehow I didn't quite believe it before, but..."

He shakes his head. "Peeta, who's Silas?"

"Willow's twin, Silas..." My voice strains to get out the words. "I think the Capitol killed him."