~The world is a scary place when you're facing it alone.~
P U Z Z L E
I sighed deeply and glance around my room, reaching for my bong and packing a bowl. I had enough left for a few days, maybe a week... but it was almost time to go back and get more. I wondered if Ash was going to tag along like they had last time. I really enjoyed being around them, it was fun to escape this place for a while and having them with me really made me happier. I took a hit on my bong, inhaling deeply and holding it. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I exhaled, after counting exactly to five.
I sucked in a deep breath and gave myself a moment for my lungs to relax before I repacked the bowl and did it again. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I exhaled. I frowned a little, frustrated at myself for exhaling that time, I'd really wanted to hold it longer. I really doubted I could have held it until ten though, so it's probably for the best. I hated that my brain wouldn't let me smoke normally. I wasn't sure when that'd even started, but it was a while ago. I figured I should probably go back to the doctor and see what my psychologist has to say about it, but he's going to want to talk about my mom and I really didn't want to tackle that yet.
I wasn't exactly running from it, but I definitely didn't want to face the reality that my mom would probably be in there for at least a few years, if not the rest of her life and I would be alone. Except for Blake, who was her best friend for years. I had known Blake my whole life growing up and he was a better father to me than my own father had been. It was weird to live with him, though. He's not as strict as he used to be, that's for sure.
I remember when we'd gone to visit him and how neat everything was. I absolutely loved Blake's house, I never felt like my skin was crawling there. My mother's house was definitely not as orderly or clean as Blake's and it was very chaotic. I loved the peace that came with a trip to Blake's. My mother would drop me off randomly for stretches of time and I absolutely loved it. The older we both got, and the worse her schizophrenia got, the less I got to leave. I had to drop out of school because she was unable to stay home alone all day, and it was hell. I never got a chance to be free.
I realized pretty early on that I was being heavily effected by her mental illnesses, mainly manifesting in severe depression and anxiety, and OCD. My life was extremely chaotic, so I tried to control the chaos the best way I could. You never think when you're a kid that your parents would be the reason you can't succeed. I could have stayed in school, but it would've meant going into the foster system and I didn't want that. I wanted my mom to be okay, so I did what I had to. Now, I just feel like I delayed the inevitable while ruining my own life.
I wanted to call her, and tell her how I feel, but I don't feel like it's right for me to do that. It's hardly fair to blame her for everything that I did willingly. I knew what I was doing, so why am I so angry with her?
I sighed again, thinking about Ash. Their eyes are really pretty, a light green color with just the slightest flecks of gold in them. Their smile is really nice as well, I love when they smile at me. It's sort of warming, to know that I can make someone so perfect smile. I smiled a little, thinking back to when they'd slept beside me a couple of days before. It was amazing to spend the night with them, and hear them talk about everything. I loved to hear Ash's voice, it was soft but somehow heavy, like a song.
Ash spoke in a way that made it impossible not to like them. I wasn't typically a person who really considered dating in general, but Ash made it feel right. I wasn't really sure what we were, but I knew that I loved it. Whatever we are, is great. I loved every moment of time I spent with them.
A knock at my bedroom door alerted me to someone being at the door and my heart jumped a little in excitement. Usually Blake left me alone, so unless it's about my mom it's Ash. I got up, sitting my bong on the bedside table and walked around the bed, going to the door and opening it up. I smiled when I saw Ash's blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, and a short pair of shorts with a tied band tee I was pretty sure was Blake's. "Hey, wanna go to the park?" Ash asked, and I nodded my head.
YOU ARE READING
Sissy Boy (ManxBoyxBoy) ⎰⛑⎰
Romance!! This book is incredibly old and unfinished. !! Ashton Carter is a good boy by all rights. He'd never acted out, or disobeyed his parents. But then Blake Reynolds moves in next door, and Ashton finds himself drawn to the older man like a magnet. B...