Bittersweet

~~ And just when you thought... ~~

"I'm fine!"  she replied sharply.  I double blinked.

Blowing over the top of my mug, I tried not to overthink the sharpness of her tone—she was probably tired and worried about Ava.

But that aside, she obviously had something to say. She opened her mouth twice, then slammed it shut. Never once looking at me, as if she was struggling to find the words.

"Have the doctors given you an update on Ava?" I was trying to prompt her and still she looked everywhere but at me. I scrubbed my hand through my damp hair. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Probably a stupid question, but I had to ask.

Closing her eyes, she let out an enormous sigh, rubbing her forehead. "Look, Gabe." Her eyes finally met mine. "There is no simple way to say this.  So I'm just gonna say it...this needs to end."

End? What?  "End what?"

"This, us." She guested between us, her eyes once again dropping from mine.

What the—? "Has something happened, Jenna?" Placing my coffee mug down. A devastating drowning feeling suddenly overtook me. A cold sweat broke across my back.

She shook her head.

"If you are worried because Ava is sick. And you think I will get in the way, then you don't have to worry. I get it, you need to be with your daughter. She comes before anything...anyone. I can wait. Hell, just let me be there as your friend. I can cook for you both. Or you can both come here. Just let me help."

"I can't—"

"You can. No pressure."

I hated the way my voice sounded desperate.

"No! This." She blew out a puff of air. "This... it's just not going to work out, between us. I have Ava and you want children. It's not fair for me to get involved and let this develop, when we both know long term it won't work out. I don't want to hurt you, Gabe."

Fuck!  "Jenna, kids aren't a deal breaker in our relationship. I would—"

"No Gabe. You're an amazing person and I know you'll be an incredible father. I won't let you give all that up."

She wouldn't let me?  "Why don't you let me decide. I want you. I want us. And I'll love Ava, like she's my own."

"Ava has a father," she snapped.

"I didn't mean—"

"No. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. This isn't you, Gabe."

Oh, fuck. Here it comes. I heard the words in my head before she said them.

"... It's me."

The phrase that no one wants to hear. It's not you... it's me.   Shit, I'd even used it myself.

We stood awkwardly for a moment as I pushed off from the counter. I needed her to see she was being irrational. We could make this work.

She took a step back. "I need time on my own. Time to figure things out. Be there for Ava. And I can't do that and be in a relationship... one that I'm not ready for." Her tone was emotionless, almost rehearsed, her face deadpan.

"We have to face what this is Gabe—a rebound relationship."

And there it was. The words cut into me, slicing through my heart's wall, stabbing over and over. That's what I was to her—a rebound?

Fuck no, I didn't believe it. "You're wrong. Don't lie to me. I know you feel this, what's between us just as much as I do. Jenna—"

She held up her hand. "Let me finish." She took another breath. "Even if there was something more between us, our dreams aren't the same Gabe. I won't stand in the way of yours."

I was losing her, only having had her for a brief flicker of time.

"You need someone who will love you and want the same things."

"Can't it just be enough that I want you and I'll wait until you're ready?"

Yeah, I definitely sounded desperate.

"I think in your head you see me as someone I'm not. I'm not a strong person." Her voice cracked.

Why would she say that?

Her head fell slightly as she composed herself. "I'm sorry. I wish it was different, but it's not."

Silence dropped between us like a brick.

"I have to go; I don't like leaving Ava for long."

She spun on heel and hightailed it before I even realized she wasn't standing there any longer.

What in god's name had just happened?

Yesterday we had been on the same page—today, we were reading different books.

I know some would say it was crazy to feel like I did, after such a short amount of time, but for me it had been love at first sight four years ago.

Should I have confessed that?  No, that would have freaked her out.

Had I seen something that wasn't there? It felt like a puzzle piece had fallen from my heart—cheesy but true.

I'd had one shot, and I'd fucking blew it.