To: My Unicorn

Chapter Twenty (Part Two)

He shook his head, tears spilling from his eyes and rippling down his freckled cheeks, "How do you know that? Please..I don't- you don't know anything"

His lips were pursed but his eyes were still kind, "maybe not. But my dad knows things. And he taught me that if you are human, you have value. No matter fucking what"

Dean couldn't look him in the eyes, it was far too shameful. Cas was absolutely perfect. He was intelligent, sweet, forgiving, humble and understanding. Dean felt so small and insignificant compared to him.

He was deeply flawed and everything that Cas wasn't. He was ruining Cas, dragging him down and smudging his name. Angels weren't made to be dragged through hell, he would surly lose his halo, his goodness if Dean didn't stop.

"Dean can I ask you something?" His voice was still sweet
"Sure" he heaved a great sigh
"Why does John treat you like an animal?"

Dean gazed at Castiel and the boy stared right back. There wasn't pity in his eyes like most people that he told. He wasn't condescending or treating him like a toddler or some sickly puppy. He was treating him like a rational human being.

"Because if he didn't, he'd have to treat himself like one. And he's just not strong enough to deal with that guilt"
"But why? Why does he feel so guilty?"
"He couldn't save my mother"

She had been his ember. And when she flickered and died out so did his warmth, leaving him cold. Honestly Dean did pity his father, he understood the pain of losing someone you loved. But he would not, could not pity the monster that replaced him.

"But you and Sam-"
"Are nothing but ashes, memories of the fire that took her"

Cas went silent not wanting to press him, but Dean wanted to continue. It felt good to finally tell someone all the traumas he'd been through. Especially when that someone he was telling was willing to actually listen.

"John blamed himself for so long. He couldn't save her from the fire so he became the very fire that had swallowed her. To fuel him he drank and it wasn't long before he came to the conclusion that it was my fault" his voice was bitter

Cas watched Dean's face as it contorted. He was still so gorgeous both physically and emotionally. The very essence of this boy was just absolutely breathtaking. Dean was perfectly human. Flawed but still good, still loving as humans are meant to be.

"The more he drank the angrier he became. So he beat me blue, I'm nothing more than a punching bag. That was fine with me though, he wasn't hurting anyone else. But then he stopped taking care of Sam. So I stepped up and did what I had to do to protect him. But he just kept getting worse Cas" Dean's voice broke, "he tried to go after Sam. But I would not let John destroy him too, not my Sammy"

Dean pulled up his sleeves to show bruises all around his wrist. Cas gasped and he struggled to contain the tears. It was one thing hearing about the abuse, another to actually see it with his own two eyes. He cradled Dean's wrist and stared at the bruises, some were dark and others were a sickly yellow.

"Everything is always my fault. If he and Sam had an argument it's my fault. If Sam gets a bad grade on a test or some sort of assignment it's my fault. If John had a bad day..guess what? My fault, my mistake so I must pay. It's always my fucking fault"

Cas shook his head, "no.." his voice was soft, quiet

Dean just shrugged, "Well finally I figured it out. I don't matter. How could I if this is the way I'm being treated. I must be a monster" he chuckled harshly, "It makes sense doesn't it? I mean here my dad is telling me and treating me like I'm worthless. Then comes this boy I've been dating for three years, who just up and leaves because I am unlovable. So maybe I am. Maybe I never deserved love or affection"

Cas kept tracing the bruises on his wrists. Some tears falling down his face, "You deserve the world. It's all so wrong, what they did to you. What they still do to you"

Dean looked away so he wouldn't have to see Cas cry. He couldn't bear to see the hurt he caused. All he ever did was cause destruction and suffering to everyone he cared about. He was foolish to think Cas would be an exception to his wrath and mistakes.

"please look at me" a tear fell onto Dean's wrist, "please"
Dean reluctantly turned his head to see Castiel, his best friend. He bit his lip, desperately attempting to stop the sob he felt trapped in his throat.
"Do you think that I'm weak?" Cas asked
"No" he forced himself to speak

Cas could never be weak. He lifted others up, soothing them through their storms even if he was in the midst of his own. He always put Dean first, before his own wants, his own needs.

And Dean felt so guilty for doing this to Cas. He deserved the same care and attention as he was giving Dean. But he didn't know how to stop getting so angry and sad, he didn't know how to fix himself. So how was he supposed to help Cas?

Cas' fingers danced on his hand and circled his wrist. Soothing his trembling fingers, offering him comfort. It was all so pathetic to Dean.

"Well neither are you" Cas stated it as fact, "It's like war in that head of yours, isn't it? Constantly battling with vulnerability, as if it's something to be fought. But you've finally lost, and I know it hurts right now....but you'll feel better when it's over"

Dean covered his face in his free hand, unable to say much more so he just nodded his head. He began to notice the way the way Castiel's hand felt on his, it just felt right. Everything with Cas felt right even these awful, terrible moments that left them both suffering.

Being with his best friend felt like how he thought he felt with Alex. It was so...pure, and real not some shallow emotions masquerading as something deeper. Whatever this feeling was, it was real and true. Dean finally looked up at him and their eyes met and neither dared to glance away. His green eyes travelled down to the other's lips.

Before he could stop himself he pressed his lips firmly to Cas's. He made a fist around the boy's shirt as he pressed himself closer. And as their lips touched, a holy fire ignited in their chests, burning away any thought that would interrupt such a tender moment.

It was intense but soft, numbing everything else that was in and outside of them. But then Dean quickly pulled away realizing what he had done. The blazing fires still burned within their souls, giving them warmth. It was terrifying.

"I'm sorry, Jesus, Cas I'm so sorry" he panicked
Cas was in shock but he managed to speak, "it's ok" he squeaked, "we're going to be ok"

He didn't look reassured but nodded "Please stay with me?"
"Of course...of course, yes" He let Dean come to him, his head resting in the crook of his neck
Cas's hand wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer. They watched the stars.