Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 26.

If he doesn't want to rush things and slowly begin to get closer then he'll just get bored and start fucking about with someone else. He said himself he sleeps around about and I'm not judging because someones sex life is not my business, but if I'm going to risk letting someone see that side of me then I don't really want there to be other people in the picture. I'm insecure enough as it is, I can't handle the comparisons between me and someone who actually looks like a woman.

I literally have the figure of a twelve year old.

He's also probably saying he doesn't want to rush things because he's scared he does something and I go off the rails again. I hate that.

Was it just something personal? Am I just not good enough or something? Because if that's the case fine, I understand but I'm not waiting.

"Oh, sorry."

I don't know why I just apologised, he just told me not to.

I don't listen to men who place bets on me like I'm an object.

Except I do...hypocrite of the century.

"I never get to cherish things with people because I always just fuck them and get it over and done with. You're different." Harry explains, keeping his hands firmly placed on my hips and eyes staring straight into mines.

"How?" I scoff, turning my head away from him.

I'm different...why because you can't risk fucking things up for the next few months we've got to pretend?

"Well..." he chuckles, "you've made two minutes of kissing feel better than half an hour of sex."

At least I know I'm not alone with that feeling.

"This is new to me too birdy. It's always sex, meaningless sex. Never once has it been intimacy but if that's what scares you then it's okay because I've never even had intimacy before." He adds with a slightly reassuring tone coating his words.

I really don't know what he means by that, but it sounds genuine.

It's actually pretty sad that he's never felt true intimacy before, but I suppose you don't feel that when it's just a nameless person. Maybe he's not as bad as I think he is, he wears a mask just like me.

I don't even know what to say, I mean how do I say what I'm thinking without sounding crazy?

I know.

"Je suis en colère contre toi pour avoir misé sur moi mais je vais te faire confiance, ce qui est probablement stupide de ma part mais je m'en fiche même plus." I smirk, clearly taking him by surprise.

The beauty of being bilingual.

I basically just told him that I'm mad at him but I'll just trust him which is probably pretty stupid but I don't care anymore. He won't understand that's what I said but at least it's off my chest.

Speaking french makes me a cooler person, makes sense for my lack of personality and pretty appearance. If I can speak and elegant language and play piano maybe people will think I'm cool, that I'm some what put together which couldn't be further from the truth.