Crocodile Tears

Crocodile tears episode one.

//I stood at the top of the carpeted stairway looking down at the bare porch in my sickly pink night dress, too short for my body. One hand was gripped on a stuffed bunny and the other gripped on a banister. My father stood in the living room, A left turn from the porch. I heard what was happening and winced at every slam. looking down at my plump, bruised legs and felt tears well up and fall from my face. my insides crawled in shame when i heard my fathers big work boots stomp towards the door where in a few seconds would have sight of me. I ran to my bed and pulled the hello kitty covers over my head. The sun was setting behind the houses, so the last golden rays burst across my bedroom walls. The sunset shone directly on my bedsheets, creating a warm glow under, where i was curled up. I muffled my tears by burying my face into soot, My stuffed bunny. The crashing footsteps stopped at my bedroom door and I heard my fathers voice "You can come out now, doll" I cringed in pain as I heard that name. I don't like that name. Dolls have no emotions and look silly. I'm not a silly girl. "I said..." He growled, shifting closer "Come out now" I sighed and wiped my face before peering out of my sunlit cave.//

I snapped my head up and trailed my eyes to the teacher at their desk. Oh yeah... maths. I yawned and doodled another eye on my textbook. "Miss Lavande am i boring you?" Mrs Slark piped from the front. I mumbled an apology and a correction. "Is there something you would like to share with the class, Eden?" She said, looking directly at me. I froze in my seat and looked at her. "N-no! not at all I'm sorry Mrs Slark" I said just above a whisper. She turned back to the board and i relaxed. God, what a bitch!

The rest of a day was a blur of correcting people and getting crumpled pieces of paper being thrown at me. At lunch break i escape my English lesson and creeped to the school bathroom. All the girls crowded here whenever they could. I'm not sure why because it isn't a very appealing place with cracked mirrors and the smell of piss lingering because the cleaners cant do their job correctly. I slip into a free stall and pull out my phone to message my best friend, Nellu. She wasn't online right now but that's okay, i can check later. I quietly lower the lid of the toilet and curl up, Hugging my knees. Its so noisy. Why do girls feel the need to shout at each other in the most echoey room in the school? I don't understand girls... I scratched hard at my neck and hands, feeling uncomfortable. I managed to get here without being seen, but would i be able to get out without someone starting any confrontation? I didn't want any business with the students after they found out i was going to transition. I wanted to get out of here. I didn't like this situation. It felt too trapped. The girls laughter and chatter seemed to magnify and it began to hurt my head and ears. My eyes began to prickle with anxious tears. I wiped my face and ran a hand through my hair. sighing, i heaved myself up of the lid and scurried out of the bathroom.

I made my way to the front door of my house and hurried to back to my room. I flopped on my bed and sighed loudly. I pulled out my phone and talked with Nellu and Aubrie about Nothing and everything. Nellu was so kind to me all the time. She understood how i felt and she knew what i was going through. She was funny too. She seemed to always be there for me. She was fully supportive when i came out to her. She is my role model.

//My hair covered my face. i held Soot to my chest. The clowns danced around me. They weren't clowns. They were happy and really bendy and skinny and stretchy and tall. Why did they want to harm me? They seemed angry. Why are they so frightening? "Why are you angry with me!? dont hurt me! Im sorry! Im sorry!" I screamed and cried as they moved around me like burning ash and smoke. They screamed at me in a genderless voice "Faker! Faker! Those are crocodile tears! Attention whore!" They wouldn't stop. They worked there way around me as if they were examining a pottery sculpture. I woke up to my father prying my fingers from my ears. He radiated anger and frustration. His breath was like liquor and cigarette smell. "Dolly, stop with the crocodile tears" I struggled away from him and his grip tightened. I screamed at him and he shook me hard. "You stupid good for nothing doll! Why cant you behave yourself!?" He practically spat. I quivered away from him in fear. Why am i so stupid? I did something wrong and im scared for the consequence. Only silly girls do that! He grabbed my arms and pushed me to my bedroom floor. I banged my head on the cold floor. My head was so numb it hurt. It sent a shiver down my spine. I felt his hands wandering my young, fragile body .

I woke up in my bed, feeling exhausted. Bruises littered my skin like leaves littered the pavement in autumn. The purples and yellows of dying leaves. My wrist were pink and sore, as well as my ankles. My eyes felt gross and weird because i fell asleep crying. My thighs had grab marks too and they ached when moved. My father was no where to be seen but he might have been downstairs. Soot had rolled off my bed in my sleep, i leant out of my bed and grabbed him before returning to my blanket nest. It hurt to move, but retrieving Soot was a necessary move to make ...Personal reasons...//