She wants nothing more than to burst into that office and wrench Olivia out of Tucker's arms and pull the older woman into her own instead, anger and jealously and sadness simmering low in her belly, and aching to be the one that Olivia leans on in her time of grief. Rather than being relieved that her boss is able to find comfort in another person and is not going through this tragedy alone, the mix of negative emotions only intensify, coiling into a hard, nauseating knot in the pit of her stomach.
Amanda bows her head in shame, imagining what a horrible person Olivia would think she was if the lieutenant could see into her mind and read her troubling, chaotic thoughts; if she knew the awful truth. She is mortified to admit this, even to herself, but she has been more upset about Olivia's personal life than her co-worker's untimely demise; devastated to walk in on Olivia sleeping against Tucker's shoulder in the hospital waiting room as they had awaited news on Dodds' condition.
After Jesse was born, Amanda was hopeful that Olivia would start to take more of an interest in her; that maybe they could get together outside of work with their kids or even one on one, and their professional relationship would finally begin to evolve into a more personal one. She had been holding onto this hope for the past several months, chastising herself over and over again for not being brave enough to suggest dinner or a movie or a playdate, but that hope had been dashed the moment she had caught a glimpse of the two of them in such an intimate position.
Amanda can count on one hand the number of times she has seen such an open display of vulnerability from Olivia over the past five years, and can't help wishing it had been her shoulder that the other woman had dozed on, Olivia feeling safe and comforted in her presence instead of Tucker's. She is horrified to find her eyes welling with tears as she thinks of all the opportunities she has let slip through her fingers, devastated that she hasn't been able to muster up her usual amount of courage and taken a chance on love.
Suddenly panicked at her own vulnerability that is now on display, Amanda lowers her head to conceal the tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to burst forth in a torrent of loud and messy sobs. She huddles into herself for a moment, shoulders hunched protectively near her ears and chin drooping toward her chest, heart thudding against her rib cage while her feet skitter in a nervous dance underneath her chair.
When she dares to raise her head again, Amanda's pounding heart nearly lurches to a complete stop when her eyes immediately lock with Olivia's through the glass. She looks away instantly, noticing Tucker exiting the office already and throwing a wave in their general direction, apparently only stopping by to quickly check up on his girlfriend before rushing off to wherever he needs to be next.
When Amanda takes the chance and glances at Olivia again, she sees the brunette motioning to her with a hurried gesture and a somewhat concerned expression on her face, dark eyebrows pulled together in a frown. She is filled with dread as she gets shakily to her feet and stands on trembling legs that threaten to collapse beneath her, worried that Olivia or Tucker have somehow discovered her inappropriate feelings.
Amanda's legs resemble two limp noodles as she drags herself toward the office, her dread only growing stronger with each apprehensive step, aware that Olivia's eyes are on her the whole time. When she reaches the door, she hesitates with her hand hovering over the knob, eventually gripping it with sweaty fingers but not opening it, terrified of what awaits her on the other side.
"Rollins, come in!" she hears Olivia call out, impatience evident in the older woman's voice, and Amanda gives an audible gulp before entering the room.
"Hey, Liv, what's up?" she asks in the most nonchalant tone she can manage, unable to stop her next words from tumbling out of her mouth. "Everything okay with Tucker?"
Unrequited
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