Beautifully Hurting

Punishment

My arms flew up for a hug and I took one step forward but before I could fully wrap my arms around her, she started to disappear.
Off into the air, the person standing in front of me just a second ago had turned into a white mist, no longer in sight.

My heart fell to the ground.

I didn't even get to touch her.

......

This is punishment right?

That dream was the punishment I got for kissing him.

Creul

Now I'm just left alone here in my room expected to continue on with the world that despises me to no limits. Now I'm expected to pull it together and be strong for my father who's falling apart and the family who feels so much pity that they can't even speak nor look at me. Now I have to do my best and stop wishing to die, right?

I chuckle to myself, to this unrealistic reality.

When I tried to sleep and fight off my emotions all I did was get punished in the end. Seeing moms face ruined me completely, how will I come back from that moment.

"I didn't even get to touch her"

The words ring out from my mouth and repeat in my head until I have to dig my nails so deep into the scalp that it starts to bleed.
My eyes are dry and probably have the darkest circles under them. All the liquid in me has drained out and no more liquid is coming in. I refuse to drink water and I refuse to cry. I can't cry anymore, it seems so useless now after knowing that knowone cares and nothings going to change.

I hug my knees tighter and ignore all the pain that sparks when I dig my nails into the skin of my thighs. If I could've hugged mom just once, just once,

everything would've been ok

I would do anything to be with her forever. But I can't. So I die here in my bubble of loneliness, waiting till these ten days are over and fate smacks me aside. Next time I see Luther I'll beg him not to take me, I'll beg, its either he does what I say or I stop all of this by myself through death.

He has to listen. I can't live with someone so mentally insane and abusive for three whole years. He'll kill me or I'll do it myself.

I froze after hearing the music from my phone. National anthem by lana del rey.

I regret allowing Alex change my ring tone but its been this song for the whole year now so I've never cared. But this is just not the right song for times like this.

As I was about to pick it up from my bedstand the music stopped and in came Alex. When she saw my face, hers dropped like she had just seen a ghost.

Do I really look that bad?

Without saying a word, she made her way over to the bed and hugged me. Being wrapped into someone's embrace makes me feel better but am I selfish for wishing it were mom instead?

I rested my head on her shoulder and stared back at the door which was wide open. This sent alarms in my head, what if Luther comes in again, what if he breaks in the house?

"Did you lock the front door on your way in?"

Thats the first thing I've said in a long while. Not only did I look like shit, my voice sounded like crap to.