Saving Sanity

Chapter 27

*unedited
Please excuse any mistakes

I guess I won't be leaving today, not while he's around me. He is still freaking out about the scars on my arm. I want to cut more I thought. I want to relieve the pain, I want to see the relief pour through the wounds. A sign that im still alive, I'm still alive. Why am I still alive? If I am I want to feel something, I have to feel something other than the feeling of being unwanted, dangerous, toxic, depressed. I want the feelings to die, and for me to die with them. My finger crept to my wrist, my long nail digging in it. Blood sprung out, I'm still alive. Why? I looked up and saw Rylan holding a white container, he opened it to reveal food. He set it down in front of me.

But I just pushed it away, looking at me wrist. "You dont want to eat?" He asked. I shook my head. "I need to lose weight.." My voice came out sore. He looked confused, probably cause im so skinny. "How much?" He asked. I chucked bitterly. I know the answer to that actually. "I won't be happy until I reach zero pounds." I said. I looked at him. His eyes were getting red, he feels sad for me. I felt destructive of his emotions, I'm hurting him. He's still human, I forgot..

I looked at the door and began to leave. "I have to go, I can't stay." I said trying to convince him that I'll be fine, I can't cause more suffering than I already do. "No! Please, stay." He pleaded. His voice trembled, pain is all I heard. I nodded. No more, I thought.

I sat back down. I felt a lump in my throat. I can't do this, I can't stay. "Are you okay?" He asked. His voice soothing and welcoming. "I'm fine." I said. You just have to say that your fine when you're not really fine but you just can't get into it right now cause they'll never understand. I swallowed the lump. "Are you sure?" He asked.

He's human. Humans try to care for each other's feeling or at least make it seem like it. When they don't know what to do they begin to feel grateful, that's how it works. Plaster the sympathetic look on your face, use a special non-slang language to make it seem like you're serious and use hand gestures. It's really obvious, it's pathetic. Some humans have no sympathy, but they're at least honest right? Right!? Forget it. It's what always happens because all of us have sociopath moments. We try to mock real human emotions like we should be feeling as a decoy for our selfish nature.

But we are only human right?

I mentally sigh at my thoughts. I stare at Rylan, not sure what to say, I'm sure he feels the same. He gets up still staring at my scars and walks to the other room. "Uhh hold on Skylar I have to call someone." He said. I nodded. This could be my chance to escape but I don't know if I should. He comes back and smiles guiltily. "Ry, what did you do?" I asked. Before I knew it people burst through the door. I looked at Rylan. "I'm sorry." He said. The people looked at my wrists and grabs my shoulders and forcefully dragged me into a van and takes me away.

"Rylan!" I scream. "Rylan help me!" I scream louder. He shook his head and looked away, like this was too painful to watch for him. I wouldn't stop struggling so they injected something in my arm.

Then I blacked out.

*~*~*

I woke up in a room, it's one where they have cushion walls and floors. It's comfortable, I would like it if I didn't make me feel I was in a mental hospital. I realize I wasn't in a strait jacket, like those cliche movies. I decided not to do anything to myself, if I prove that I am fine then they'll let me free. Wait, how am I checked into this place? The cops! As if on cue someone knocked on the door and came in. My heart stopped.

Two police officers.

Yeah, that's fucking predictable. I rummaged through cobwebs in my head to figure out a way out. But I couldn't. So I pushed past them and ran.

Run faster. I heaved. It's going to be alright. Just a little farther and you'll be okay. It'll be over. But you're not going to jail. I somehow got outside, wow. I must be a track star! I kept running until I was off the hospital grounds. I saw police cars parked at a street so I made a sharp turn at a corner.

"She went this way!" I heard someone yell. I ran faster. I panicked and saw a draining circle that lead to sewage. I felt like I was in a movie. The thing was heavy but I lifted it up and slid down. While doing this my leg was caught on a sharp weak spot of the metal, I think it was a rock but it hurt like hell. It dug into my leg and dragged through while I fell through the hole. When my body went completely through I landed on my knees.

I got up and looked at my attire, they put me in cotton black shorts and a plain grey t-shirt. I studied my wounds, I scraped both my knees plus my side because I slid on the blacktop. I also have a large deep cut where the I-don't-know-what dug into me. It was bleeding and my entire leg down was get red from blood. "Shit!" I cursed. I tried to keep going but my leg wouldn't go on without burning. I grabbed my shirt and tore part of it, wrapping it around my leg. Luckily I had an undershirt too. I trudged on.

I don't even know where I'm going..

_________________
If you or a someone you know is suffering from serious depression and has thoughts of suicide you can get help from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Simply call: 1-800-273-TALK. You will be helped by a trained and skilled crisis worker who will listen to your problems. Your call is always confidential and free. You can make this call 24/7

Serious signs of depression are:
Thoughts of suicide
Self harm
Rapid change in a persons eating habit
Anxiety levels become high
Stress increases
Mostly sad and quiet
Becoming distant from very close friends.

Call if you know someone is suicidal or you are. It may help you.
~~~~~~~
I suffer from some of these things and I hope some of you dealing with the same can call and do what I couldn't.

Thank you.
__________________
Vanessa