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February 26, 2021

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This is such an interesting feeling.
Love is a weird thing.
Makes you so weird things.
I don't understand it.
What is love?
I feel such a strong attachment to you.
My face heats up when you say pet names.
My stomach churns when you're sad.
I get angry when someone hurts you.
I feel the need to protect you.
The need to make sure you're happy.
With friendship, I don't feel this way.
I don't know.
My relationships in the past haven't been the best.
Abusive, toxic, manipulative, grooming, shall I go on?
What I consider to be someone showing love is fairly different.
Someone yells because they love me.
They hurt me because they love me.
I know it's not true but my brain still sees it that way.
Sometimes I think how I'll go on without certain people I can usually think about it without issue.
But you.
My mind goes for a loop.
I get physically sick.
I get pains in my body.
I wish I was exaggerating.
I could easily think about my future without Alex, or Gabriel, even River.
But you.
Maybe I've fixated on you too much.
Or maybe this is love.
I want to know what this means.
But we can't prove what love is.
I hope you feel the same.
I really do.
I've truly given my future to you.
I truly do mean all that I say.
Not a day goes by where I don't wish we could be together.
Perhaps it's the distance that makes things difficult.
My mind would've given up already.
But you.
I want to try for you.
I want to do anything I can for you.