The Show Must Go On [boyxboy]

The Show Must Go On {20}

                “I…don’t know,” I admitted. “But I miss him.”

                Scott reached over, tapping two fingers against my wrist. “You missed Jake. But you get through it.”

                I looked down at his fingers on my wrist. Scott was not a touchy person, and this was the same thing as receiving a hug from him.

                “With Jake, it was different. I realized how bad the relationship was once it ended. With Neo, I’m just seeing how good it was,” I said.

                He tapped my wrist a few more times, thoughtful, before his fingers came to rest against my skin. He tilted his head back to look up at the stars in the sky.

                “It wasn’t fake,” he said. “That’s what doesn’t make sense. He claims it was fake, but he did way too much way too genuinely for it to be fake.”

                “So what if he meant it at the time? Obviously he decided that hating me was better than loving me,” I said.

                “Don’t start telling yourself that you deserved it. You didn’t deserve it,” Scott said.

                “Does it matter anymore? Neo thought I deserved it, and that’s all that matters,” I said.

                “Last time I checked, Neo didn’t get to decide who deserves to be hurt and who doesn’t,” Scott said. “He did more damage than repair. Now you’re hurt, Donnie’s hurt, and Neo’s hurt. That’s the problem with revenge. It’s an explosion, and the people you care about, including yourself, can get caught in the blast if they’re too close.”

                “I didn’t know how to get through my breakup with Jake. And I still don’t know how to get through a breakup,” I said hopelessly.

                “Not through sleeping pills, that’s for sure,” Scott said.

                “But I-” I started.

                “You’re addicted, I got that. You can’t sleep without them. The bags under your eyes prove that,” he said. He tapped his finger against my wrist again in thought. “Eventually you’ll come off of them. You have to sleep at some point, pills or no pills.”

                We fell into silence, just watching the stars. Scott kept his fingers lightly pressed against my wrist, and it was actually comforting.

                “I hate this. I hated myself for so long after my breakup with Jake. I know I’m not worthless, but I can’t help but feel like I am,” I said at last.

                “You loved Neo. You put part of your worth into the way he returned those feelings. That’s what happens. You love and trust other people, and start to base some of your worth on the way they return it. And when they don’t return those feelings, it makes you feel worthless,” Scott said.

                “Feelings suck,” I said.

                “That’s why I avoid them,” Scott said, and tapped my wrist again.

                Scott and I sat in silence like that for a while. We watched the run rise up over the trees, bathing the world in color. Scott kept his fingers on my wrist, even as he leaned back, steadying himself with his free hand. I let my thoughts race around, trying to mentally prepare myself for when I would inevitably see Neo today.