Stay (Tronnor)

Africa

I don't want to let go, I just want him to stay. I don't want him to leae me. Not now, not ever. But if I don't let go of him now, he'll miss his flight. So I do. I watch him go, and even after he's out of sight, I just stand there, trying to understand that he's gone. I hurry to the window, just to catch a glimse of his plane taking off. I need to get out of here, I can feel the tears pressuring, my throat locking and my heart sinking in my chest. I hurry out, into the cap. I have to stay calm 'till I get home. Just breathe, Connor. Just hold it in for a little longer. It seems forever before the Cap finally arrives in front of my apartment. I pay the driver and halfway run to my door, hurrying to unlock the door, so I can get inside and let out the tsunami of emotions that has build up inside me.

As soon as the door is closed behind me, I let my tears flow unchecked, and I sob my heart out. This is the worst thing I've ever tried in my entire life. The love of my life, and he is on his way to the other side of the planet. I can't bare the thought of it, and I end up huddling myself up on my bed, clasping the pillow he used to sleep on in my arms. It still smells like him, and I bury my face in it. My breath is out of control, and I can't stop crying. I stay like this for hours and hours, until I eventually drift into unconsciousness.

I don't know how long I sleep for, but it's afternoon when I wake up. My eyes are red and swollen from crying, but it's worse than usually. I look like someone with pollen allergy that has just been rolling around in the grass on a summer day. It's scary as fuck, but I don't even care. I don't know what I am feeling inside, It's like i've cried out all of my emotions. I feel like an empty shall, I don't even know if I have a soul anymore. Some times I don't think so. You know how you say, someone is your better half, a part of you, owns your heart. I feel like Troye took all of that with him, when he left. 

It's already dark out again. I have done absolutely nothing but cry, listen to music and eating nutella out of a jar today. I didn't use to like the taste of pure nutella, but right now, that's all I can get down. I don't even feel like eating proper foods. I know that I need to do something, change this. It's Monday tomorrow, and I haven't edited my video yet. That's it, that's what I have to do, at least I will have been a little productive today, then. 

It's 9.13pm and I am currently sitting on tumblr, with my phone in my left hand, waiting for Troye to call. He promised to call, and his plane is supposed to land in around ten minutes. Editing my video helped a bit on my mood, and I guess getting my mind off of things was a good thing. One thing I am really happy about, but at the same time kind of sad about is, that whenever I go to my secret place in the perk from now on, I'll think of Troye. I will see the memories of his smile, the feeling of his hand in mine, and his lips on mine. That place is our place now, and it is the place where I feel closest to Troye, on a higher level speaking. 

This also means, that I have to find a new place for getting my mind off of things, 'cause going there does the opposite. I decide, tomorrow I'm going to look for a new "Secret place" For myself. I think I knid of need one. My heart starts beating really fast, when the sound of my ringtone interrupts my thoughts. I lift the screen, and my heart literally scips a beat, when suspicions are right. I don't think I've ever hit the take call button so fast. "Hello" I say. My voice is shaking, and I just have to clear my throat, "Hi Connor, how are you doing?" He sounds extremely tired. "Okay, I guess.." I don't know how to say it. "I know, me too. I haven't slept since I left LA, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you"

His voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, and I can hear him trying to get his voice under control. It's weird, when you think about it. I mean, it's not like we're never going to see each other again, yet it feels somewhat like it. "I miss you" I say. He laughs wheepingly. "I miss you too. I don't know how to get through this, Con. I don't know if I can. I think I left my heart in LA with you" I smile. Boy, I love him so much. "We can get through this, Tro. We can make Skype calls, and facetime" I groan dispairingly. "It sounds pathetic" I say, disheartened. "A little. But we have to be strong, Connor, we can get htrough this. You're right" He says.