Sincerely, Harry -h.p

Chapter 13

TW: su!c!d@l thoughts❗️

"Jocie?"

I opened my eyes and felt someone sit by my feet. I quickly sat up and saw Harry sitting next to me.

"Did you fall asleep on the couch?" He asked as he lightly placed his hand on my leg.

I didn't realize I was in the common room until Harry said that, and I couldn't believe it.

"I- I must have fell asleep studying," I stuttered.

"You look really tired, you should probably get some sleep before the party tomorrow night," he stated as he lightly kissed me on the cheek.

"What party?" I asked as I rubbed my eyes.

"The party that the ravenclaws throw every year on New Year's Eve?" He scoffed.

"That's tomorrow?" I said as I stared at him in shock.

"Yeah. Are you doing okay? I'm worried about you, Jocie."

"I'm fine, Harry. Stop worrying about me all the time," I snapped.

I instantly felt guilty for being rude to him, but I couldn't stop myself. I was so irritable and I didn't know how to control it.

"I just want to help," he replied, looking insulted.

"You don't always need to be there for everyone. You're not always going to be everyone's savior," I said as I started to get up.

He looked at me like I had three heads, but I couldn't care less. My anger had taken control of me.

"I- whatever."

So many thoughts were going through my brain, I wanted to pass out. It felt like a million gunshots in my brain, each shot bringing a different thought into my mind.

What do I do about Cedric? Does Harry still like me? I'm so mean to everyone. Everyone hates me. I have so much work to do. I'll never be good enough. How do I prove myself? I'm so tired.

I tried pushing all my thoughts aside so I could get ready. I wasn't going to let a rough morning ruin my day.

Once I got ready, I decided to go talk to Cedric. As nervous as I was, I knew I had to. I didn't want him to think I didn't care about him at all, and I assumed that trying to explain myself may help.

After only a few minutes of looking for him, I found him outside playing in the snow with a couple of his friends. I was probably the last thing on his mind and I debated if I should still talk to him, worried if I would ruin his day, but I thought it was best I get it over with.

I walked outside and stood by a tree. Not long after, he saw me and I waved. He ran over and looked at me, confused.

"Is everything alright?" He asked with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, of course. I just needed to talk to you," I replied.

"I don't really think anything needs to be said, Jocie."

"Well I disagree. I really want to be friends, Ced. I've missed you so much, and I know that things won't be the same because I'm with Harry, but I really want them to be. So if you could just push your feelings aside-"

"It's not that easy," he interrupted.

I took and deep breath and grabbed both his hands. They were wet and cold, but I found comfort in them.

"I know. But I need you to try."

He looked deep into my eyes and pursed his lips. I could see tears start to form in his eyes, and I felt a strange tang in my heart.

"Fine. I'll try," he whispered.

I gave him a forgiving smile and wrapped my arms around him. I never realized how much I missed his hugs. They were one of a kind.

"Thank you, Ced."

I put my warm hand on his face and wiped the tears off his face, and he gasped at the feeling.

He then smiled and walked away, and I was left standing in the cold, wondering if my life was worth living. Why I felt this way, I wasn't sure. I had never considered death, but now I thought of it as an escape, a way to get away from my thoughts and the burden of living. It seemed so easy, and after everything I've been through, death was calming in some odd way. I couldn't help but imagine everyone's reactions if I did die. I was sure my friends and Lupin would get over it eventually, but something made me think Harry wouldn't, and I could never do that to him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day, I thought it was best to get my work done, but I found it more difficult than I thought. There was so much on my mind that at points, I completely forgot where I was and what I was doing. Nevertheless, I tried my best to focus, and got it done.

"Can we talk?"

I looked to my left and saw Harry sitting next to me. I was so focused, I didn't even realize he was there.

"Harry! How long have you been here?"

"Only a couple minutes. I was waiting for you to stop ignoring me."

"I wasn't ignoring you I-"

"It's okay, Jocie. Can we please talk?"

"Yeah of course," I mumbled while putting my books away.

"You seem distant lately. I've tried talking to you, but every time I do, you lash out on me."

I took a deep breath and thought of the right words to say.

"I know. I'm so sorry, Harry. It's just I feel as though I'll never be good enough. I really want to prove to everyone that I'm more than what they think. I have a good life, compared to others, but my thoughts tell me differently. I'm so scared of pushing everyone away, and if I'm being completely honest, I would rather be dead sometimes than deal with my thoughts."

"Jocie... you know you can always talk to me about this stuff. I wish I could stop those thoughts from getting in your head, I really do. And please don't ever think about hurting or killing yourself, you deserve a beautiful life."

I stared at him in awe. He was absolutely perfect. He didn't make me feel guilty about anything, he just comforted me. I couldn't have been more grateful. I lied when I said he wasn't good with words.

"Thank you, Harry. You are the seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me, I hope you know that. I don't know what I would do without you."

"I'm always here for you, Jocie. Anything you need."

"Anything?" I asked hopefully.

"That's what I just said, correct?"

"Well yeah.. but do you think I could sleep next to you tonight?"

"Of course," he smiled.

He let out a little laugh and my heart skipped a beat. He was just so perfect, I could never get tired of his laugh. I wondered if we would last, because I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I wouldn't want to move on, even if I had to.

Why would I want to forget about my first love?

I stopped myself and tried to forget what I had just said in my head. I couldn't be in love with him, what if he didn't love me back?

"Everything alright?"

I guess I had been zoned out for a couple minutes because as soon as Harry said that, I realized he already set the blankets and pillows up.

"What? Oh yeah, sorry," I replied.

He gave me a worried smile and started to lay down. I snuggled up next to him with my head resting on his chest. The warmth of his touch was like nothing I've ever experienced. It felt like being wrapped in a tight, warm blanket that would hold me forever. He played with my hair for a while and I stayed awake until he finally fell asleep. I knew that Harry and I were perfect for each other, but there was something else on my mind.

Do I love Harry?