Religiously Roasted Every Goddamn Day

Chapter 9 - Dave's Essential Rules for Dating

"You fucking bastard!"

The outburst came from the short, dark-haired girl who had slipped in right before the song started. Clearly, she was pissed off and storming up to the stage like a woman possessed. When Kurt noticed her, his eyes doubled in size and he visibly shrunk back.

"Nicole! I didn't think you'd actually—!"

"You didn't think what?" she spat venomously, making Kurt recoil even more. "You're an idiot, you know that? A retarded, shit-for-brains jackass! What the fuck do you even think you're doing here?!"

Kurt's head hung low as he stammered over his words. "I-I-I didn't think you'd actually come."

"What, and miss out on that fucking gem of a ballad?! Oh, and congratulations, you cock-fucking asshole! If you really wanted to win me back, this is literally the worst thing you could have possibly done, you inbred piece of shit!" Nicole punctuated the last four words with full-throated swings of a large, weighted canvas purse.

Kurt barely got his arms up in time to block the whacks. "Ahhh!"

Nicole stopped swinging and turned away from the stage. Alan could see her face was two shades away from tomato. She let out an explosive curse before storming back towards the door. "Goddammit!"

Joe leaned over to his musical partner and whispered. "Dude, you invited Nicole?"

Kurt lifted a sore shoulder. "Yeah, man."

"To the debut of the song about her?!"

". . . it seemed like a good idea at the time," Kurt replied weakly.

"Dude . . . that has to be the ballsiest move in the fucking history of ballsy moves." Joe grinned and slapped his friend on the back. "You fucking rock, my man!"

Halfway to the door, Nicole came to an abrupt halt. It should have been physically impossible for her nostrils to flare any wider, but they seemed to be taking their cues from a galactic black hole. She seethed as she turned slowly on her heel. "You two . . . have to be . . . the dumbest fucking assholes on the face of the planet . . ."

Alan glanced sideways at Dave who was still reclined in his chair, enjoying the show. Dave caught his eye and shrugged. What're you gonna do?

". . . who the hell in their right mind invites their ex to a show wherein they verbally and lyrically bash her to a metaphorical death?" Nicole continued, slowly advancing on Joe and Kurt. She stabbed a finger at Joe. "I expect this sort of behavior from you and your neanderthal-level IQ. But you—"

Nicole turned a withering, laser-guided death-beam at her ex-boyfriend. Kurt flinched and shrunk back even more.

"You." Nicole's tone dropped to a solemn, sincere voracity. "This fucking hurts. I thought what we had was more important to you. I thought it meant something. But apparently I was wrong. You fucking bastard."

Kurt stood speechless, unable to muster even the most elemental of grunts. In a flash, a hand whipped out and slapped Kurt across the face, leaving a stinging red handprint on his cheek. She spun on her heel and started for the door.

"Oh, and one more thing . . ." Nicole said.

Kurt winced again, but when Nicole turned back around, it was Joe she unleashed her fury upon. With a sharp snap of a jab, Nicole punched the unsuspecting musician square in the nose, sending him toppling backwards on his ass. She regarded the duo one final time.

"Fucking cunts," she said, before finally leaving the coffee shop.

Joe held his nose in his hands and groaned. ". . . freaking ow!"