Religiously Roasted Every Goddamn Day

Chapter 6 - A Musical Interlude (pt. 2) "The Naked Song"

As the sun slowly tracked across the sky its trajectory was threatened only by a coalescing mass of dark clouds to the east. The young couple who had escaped the mounting drama inside the coffee shop pushed through the door and came to a sudden stop.

If they didn't known any better, they might have thought that Joe and Kurt had been waiting for them. And if being stalked by a pair of mildly-talented (to put it generously) musicians wasn't bad enough, the duo had now removed all of their clothes.

Standing with their backsides to the building, Joe and Kurt held guitars over their naughty bits, wearing nothing but giant, shit-eating grins. A few other people had gathered to watch. Kurt began strumming and after an appropriate dramatic buildup, Joe started to sing.

"This is gonna sound really strange,

but it's a story that has to be told.

I'm not wearing clothes today;

I am naked in ev—er—eee way.

And I'm not talking emotionally

I am naked . . . lit—er—all—eeee!"

Kurt picked up the chorus, crooning out the lyrics way better than he had any right to.

"Well he's not wearing clothes today;

he is naked in ev—er—eee way.

Holy God, how big is that thing?

He ought to have it on a leash or something."

Joe continued with the next verse.

"You're probably wondering why I'm naked.

Which isn't really weird at all

Cause, how many times have you seen me naked?

How many times have you seen my balls?

Not very often, as I recall.

So why are you . . . seeing them at all?"

Kurt came in again with the chorus, this time meeting the gaze of the couple with wide, wild eyes.

"Why are you staring at his balls?

We don't really know at alls!

But we like to sing about balls.

Ballsy-balls, ballsy ballsy balls!"

Another person had joined the audience as Kurt busted out a solo jam. Staying true to his inherent talents, Joe never actually plucked or strummed at the guitar covering his nether bits, although he did gesture and gyrate emphatically as Kurt riffed. When Kurt finished the legitimately interesting part of their song, Joe got back to belting.

"Hey guess what? I am still naked.

Naked as the day I was born.

I'm sure you're tired of hearing bout my balls,

and how big they actually are.

So I'm gonna end this song;

I'm gonna end it righ—hight . . . now."

The music stopped abruptly and Kurt flipped a hat forward to collect tips. The small audience took a collective step back from the nude man's innocent advance before quickly dispersing.

"Put some clothes on, assholes."

"You guys suck," another anonymous coward mumbled just loud enough to be heard.

"Jackass!" Joe spat in retort. He backhanded Kurt's shoulder. "These people have no appreciation for art, man."