affluenza (1.) | ✔️

Because of You

        There's a long pause. When he finally speaks, Sebastian's voice is raw. "I can't," he mutters.

        "Why not?" I ask immediately, turning to look at him.

        A red light shadows his face and the car pauses. I watch as his skin glistens underneath the light, watch as his chest moves up and down as he breathes. "You're just...you're always breathing on my neck, Braylen," he mumbles, jaw clenching.

        A scoff leaves my mouth. "Sebastian, what?"

        "You're always on my case. I'm sick of it," he continues. "I know you love me but sometimes it's just, I don't know, too much."

        I try to swallow, but it seems my tongue has turned into sandpaper. "I'm too much?"

        The light turns to green and then he's driving again. "Yeah. Yeah, you are. Sometimes."

        I lean back in my seat, stunned. I felt completely sobered up by his words; the pang in my heart was enough to prove it. "S-so, what do you want? Is this done, are we...?" My voice trails off as a blast of pain racks my body. "I don't understand, Sebastian."

        "I'm not breaking up with you," he assures me, but with how cold his face is he might as well have been. "I'm just saying I need space to be just me. To be 'Ash.'"

        Tears well up in my eyes. I swipe at them before they can fall. "So what does that mean?"

        We were almost at my house. I don't know why, but I'd assumed we were going to his and that I'd sleep over. Another pang in my heart. He didn't want me there.

        "It means that if I disappear for a couple of days, you don't need to drive yourself crazy. It means that we don't need to talk everyday and you don't need to worry about me. It means that you don't get drunk just because I missed the first few hours of your birthday party," Sebastian lists. The lump in my throat gets bigger.

        I shake my head again, feeling like I'm in some bad dream. "I didn't know you felt like this."

        He turns back to me, eyes searching my face for something. He seems to come up empty and gives me a curt nod instead. "I do."

       I sniff solemnly, tapping my fingers against my thigh and trying very hard not to cry. "Okay. Message received. I'll...I'll back off." Because I love you, I want to say. Because at this moment, it didn't feel like he loved me. Maybe that was why the words had never really left his mouth.

        Sebastian pulls up into my driveway. I'm frozen for just a few seconds before I click off my seatbelt and begin to leave his car. He stops me, hand finding mine and squeezing tightly. "B," he murmurs, his breaths shallow. I force my eyes to look at him and he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I watch as his eyes flicker down to my lips and then he's pushing his own against me.

        And I give in. I give in because he's ruined me, because even though he's ripped my heart out of my chest, I could never not kiss him. His mouth moves passionately against my own and a low moan leaves my mouth as he roughly kisses me. I'm not sure how long we stay like that, making out with his hands buried in my hair before he pulls back to look at me. "Backseat," he whispers and I can't help but nod.

        We find our way to the backseat and then our clothes are off and his hand is wrapped around me. I moan and do all of the things I'm supposed to do, but the entire time my heart feels empty. Even when he's digging into his bag for the small, purple bottle of lube, even when he's easing his fingers into me and I become a moaning mess, I feel empty. Even when he's inside of me, I feel empty.