Remind Me To Forget

Chapter 3

August 16, 2012

Back like this again already.

Stuck.

Absolutely, positively, stuck.

~~~

September 23, 2012

Tsukki:

hey

Yamaguchi:

hi

Tsukki:

are you gonna come on thursday

Yamaguchi:

i can't

sorry

Tsukki:

no it's fine

~~~

Tsukishima had known not to get his hopes up, especially after a few weeks ago, but he still felt that drop in the pit of his stomach. He'd never really made a big deal out of his birthday before, and he still didn't, but...

~~~

September 27, 2012

"Happy birthday!"

Tsukishima inwardly sighed. He was hoping that no one would say anything, but luck wasn't on his side recently. He saw Hinata smiling, along with the rest of the team - minus Yamaguchi, as per what had become normal. He gave them an awkward expression and a quiet "thanks" before continuing on his way. He wasn't really in the mood for that right now. He felt mildly bad about it, but brushed it to the back of his mind. He'd worry about being nice later.

His brother smiled and waved when he got home, but he only returned a small wave before going to his room.

He almost dropped all his things on the floor.

"Hi, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi said.

"I thought you said..." Tsukishima started.

Yamaguchi grinned. "I wanted to surprise you. I'm staying over for your birthday," he said, emphasizing the word more than necessary.

He stared, not sure what to say, so instead he grinned back. Yamaguchi fumbled around a little with something for a minute. Then he handed Tsukishima an unassuming white cardboard box. "Open it," he said, excitedly shoving it towards him.

Tsukishima took it, slightly confused, and pulled the lid off. Inside sat a little green plastic dinosaur. He held it up and laughed a little before setting it on the shelf above his desk. "Beautiful," he said.

"What are you gonna name him?" Yamaguchi asked.

Tsukishima considered for a minute. "I don't know yet." In truth, he hadn't really been planning on naming anything, but he supposed it didn't hurt. "I'll think of something."

"You have all night," Yamaguchi said.

"I guess so," he replied.

~~~

September 28, 2012

His eyes cracked open and he felt different (gone gone gone empty gone gone).

Something was missing. He didn't know what, but there was a gaping hole somewhere in his mind and he couldn't pinpoint what it was. His mind grasped for anything it could hold onto, which happened to be some kind of grounding technique for when his head got too loud that one of those thousand doctors had told him about. (i'm fine nothing is wrong i'm fine i'm fine my name is)

That was it. His name was gone, the only thing he had left that was truly his, his identity, gone now, gone gone gone-

He tried again. My name is- but the syllables refused to come to mind, to leave his tongue, to form the words. His breathing hitched in his throat, panic rising up inside the pit of his stomach. Salty tears started to streak down his cheeks as he reached for the sounds that were not there, curling his knees to his chest as if he could hide from everything, even if just for a moment.

He didn't know how long he lay like that before someone started talking to him.

"Tadashi?"

And there it was, those seven letters, three syllables, returned to him just as suddenly as they had been taken. The tightness in his chest finally released.

"I forgot it," he murmured, so quietly even he could barely make out the words. "I forgot it."

"What did you forget?" He now recognized it as Tsukki's voice. He said it slowly and carefully, and for the first time in a while, Yamaguchi didn't feel like he was being treated like a child who knew nothing at all.

"My name," he said, still barely a whisper. He looked away, now realizing he was still half-crying, half-not. "I forgot it."

"Oh," Tsukishima said. Then, after a pause, "You remember it now?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You reminded me."

They sat in silence for a while, but it wasn't entirely awkward. Still, he wanted to say something, anything.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, almost instantly regretting it. "For... that." He swallowed tightly.

Tsukishima didn't say anything for a minute (now you've done it even he hates you now). "It-" he started, faltering. "It's fine."

Yamaguchi didn't look over at him, eyes still stinging. "I... I shouldn't have come." And he meant it. It was a stupid idea, but here he was anyway, because...

He sighed. "I just..." He turned more towards Tsukishima, but was still looking at him through his peripheral vision. "Please don't tell them." he said quickly, panic returning to him, so familiar now it was like an old friend. "Please don't tell them, I can't..." And there he was spiralling down, down into that abyss that he tried to avoid, and he felt his heart beating against his chest as his breathing picked up and oh god if his parents knew, if they knew what had happened-

"No, it's okay. I'll keep it a secret, all right?"

Yamaguchi nodded, swallowing hard. It would be fine. It would all be fine. It was just-

Constantly hearing how much was wrong with him (it's true it's all true) was like a self-fulfilling prophecy, he guessed. "Thank you," he said quickly.

~~~

Tsukishima didn't know what to do. He had two options and neither of them were good. He didn't want to break his promise to Yamaguchi, but that... it scared him a little. What if it got worse?

What if it was already too late? He couldn't let himself just sit there. He knew Yamaguchi was... getting worse... but he didn't want to say anything. He wanted to tell someone, he wanted to keep it secret, but what he really wanted was for Yamaguchi to be okay.