It's offical Joe hates me and forever will. I have given up all hope on possibly gaining our relationship back and have accepted the fact notihng good will ever come out of how he treated me. What made me realize this is the boys champinship game where they won (no surprise they have won like three years in a row.) At the end of the game Joe came up to me and said, "You're lucky we didn't lose because it would've been your fault." Right when he said that to me I knew there was no hope and there was no going back to how we used to be. I had lost someone I cared about and most importantly someone I truly loved. What hurt the most is that I still didn't know what I did wrong and I kept blaming mmyself and hating myself. I thought that if Joe, a person who I thought cared about me so much, could just leave me and be ok with it then anyone could.

        I didn't start blocking out my friends, but I felt like the whole time in school I was just putting on one big act. I always acted happy because that's how everyone knew me, but really everytime Joe looked at me and just looked away I was breaking. I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want to annoy people with my complaining. I just put on an act becasue I myself didn't want to face the fact that this is what happened. I was broken inside and depressed and no one knew this. My parents didn't know and neither did my best friends. In their eyes I was the same me I had always been, but I wasn't. I was a different me when I was alone. Sometimes I will cry myself to sleep just thinking about what had happened. I'm not the same me I'm a very broken and empty me and I couldn't tell anyone that. I didn't want people's sympathy I just wanted everything to be the same as it always had but I knew that would never happen. Joe was gone forever and I was never going to be able to get him back. 

        School is something I dread and most of the time I don't want to get up in the morning and I want to pretend like I'm sick. I didn't really see the point of life when all I was doing was acting and preteding. I didn't feel important and I felt like I was worth nothing. I was done with everything. I couldn't find a reason to stay on this earth when I made a person I loved so much hate me so much. 

        I was sick of everything and I was done... done with life.

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