The Last Nemikaze

This is me

This is me ranting so you can ignore.

Why does it seem that everyone in the fandoms understand you more than anyone else. THink about it, pure strangers that have no idea who you are have your back more often than your friends that stand beside you. I can rant on tumblr for hours, send out that one text that was meant to explain my feeling and get the sweetest responses for people I don't know. I can state that I have ADHD or crippling social anxiety or anxiety in general or depression or fear of the smallest, stupidest thing and not be ridiculed. If I state that at home my dad would roll his eyes and mom would tell me different. People online know real me better than my parents, my friends, my teachers, my cousins. It's sad. I can explain myself through fantalk and references and lyric and be lifted up more than my family's response. 

I will admit that I am that one girl that smiles and laughs and says their fine when they are drowning in my thoughts. I'm the girl that has nice parents, not rich but not broke, great friends, bubbly personality, not popular but not unknown, good grades, can speak a few different languages, and talented at more than one thing. I can draw and paint, I'm a bookworm, crafts are second nature to me, I love photography, I can sing, I'm a decent writer when I try, and I love studying different things. I'm not to bad looking, I have nice clothes (though my style is a little old schooled), I have nice jewelry, nice shoes. My room is covered in my art, hundreds of dollars worth of books line my two bookshelves, I have a hundred dollar vintage secretary desk, I have a art station set up by my window, I have a nice tv, there is more paper and tubes of paint here than what an art teacher has, I have nice markers. I must seem like I have it all together.

But I'm scared of failing people. Petrified of not knowing the answer. I freeze when attention is turned my way. I'm scared of fangirling in public. I worry that I annoy my friends to much, I don't want a family because I'm scared I'm going to mess up and fail them. I can't function without my phone in my sight or my pocket. I use books as an escape from reality. I don't like talking to people I don't know. I doubt myself more than anything. I wish I was better at so many things that shouldn't matter. I'm scared of physical contact but I crave for someone to come up and see past the person I've made for myself and to want me for me.

When I listen to music I try to express myself with the lyrics but no one hears me, they hear the melody of my cry. When I try to show my true self people think I'm sick or having an off day. No one seems to have my way of thinking or care about my opinion. I label myself as expendable and try to keep everyone at arm's length. I cry myself to sleep when my emotions cup overflows. I pretend my pillow is a person half of the time so I have someone to hug. I have motivational speeches memorized and hanging up for when I need to take a breath and just breath. 

I get attached to the characters that are like me and the ones that would come to comfort me when I need someone. As of right now I trust Jiraiya, Chiron, Percy, Steve, Bucky, Loki, Luke, Kronus, the Titans of Greek mythology, Kurama, Matatabi, Isobu, Son, Shikaku, Konko, Saiken, Guki, Chomei, Kakashi, Minato, Naruto, and Itachi more than I do any person I have ever met. That's depressing. I'm the person that will rewind a movie because I zoned out and didn't give it my full attention. Yet in real life I zone out and get left behind. 

I go to parties because my friends ask me and will spend the whole night on the side lines while watching my friends have a good time. I'm the person that lets myself get stepped on so others can go farther. I let myself get drowned out by the music or the other person or my thoughts. I don't think of what I need or if it will hurt me in the process. I make myself a side character that people won't miss in life's story. And it hurts me so much more than I thought it would.

From my friends perspective, I'm always smiling. Happy to help in anyway I can. Here for you, listener, shoulder to cry on. I'll try to answer all of your questions and make jokes at stupid times. I'll join in, I'll host the party, I'll plan the get together, I'll help with the work. I'll listen to the stories. I'm the mom of the group that tries to keep the others from dying and has the bail money. 

From home, I'm an introvert that sprouts random knowledge spontaneously. I don't leave my room unless I need to eat or I'm forced. I draw the characters from that one show or one book and put them on my wall. I talk to myself and don't really like the idea of having family time. I read to much. I love water but refuse to go to the pool because 'chlorine give me headaches'.

From my cousin's perspective, I'm always checking my phone, I'm the bookworm, I don't like going outside but I can name every plant we pass on a trail. I swing instead of play. I sing to myself and hate it when people ask me to sing louder than I'm comfortable with. I avoid questions. I always say I'm fine. Yeah. Ok. Sounds good. Go on without me. 

From my perspective, I sing in the shower, jump on the bed with my phone as the microphone kind of person. I paint to express myself. Blue is the only color that needs to be capturing attention. Those pictures on my wall are my friends. Those cover hold the adventures I long for. I watch shows that speak to me. My imagination is the scariest thing other than human contact. Tumblr, Wattpad, Quotev, Fanfiction.net, Fandom Wikis. Inspirational speeches are my favorite. 

Songs that help me cope with me:

Dusk till Dawn~ Zayn ft. Sai

Without me~ Halsey

Wake me up~ Avicii

Lovely~ Billie Eilish

Home~ Machine Gun Kelly

Waving Through a Window~ Dear Evan Hansen

Ocean Eyes~ Billie Eilish

Despacito~ Emma Heesters & Jason Chen cover

Grenade~ Burno Mars