𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

tell alex "i love you",

This was my cure, I was sure of it. Because I could swear every last terrible thing in my body melted away when he spoke about who I thought was me... But the next thing he said made me freeze entirely, making my world so magnificently bright when I came to realize it. "Always had a crush on her, and she's not probably watching this because we lost contact after I... After I got busy. I should actually call her up." A crush..? All sorts of things buzzed in my head to the point of getting a mild headache, everything came rushing as if being wholly dumped on me. Reflection, I realize how essential it is now but most people only tend to do it at the very end of their lives or when they had no chance of changing things around. I remembered speaking to elders whom I now resembled, fragile and helpless, and how they had told me of times passed from long ago. They reflected along with me, telling me some of the most golden pieces of information I had ever heard only now thinking back. I guess you could say they sort of warned me, though now I realized as intently as I listened to what they said it was never internalized. Until now it is, where I can only wish at some point in my busy life, to take the time to stop. Breathe. And think, remember. And not... Not stand there waiting for him to come back when he was never truly happy here when I really could have not hoped he would say something or quiver in fear.

Regrets, something no one lived without anyways. There was no point to writhe around in disappointment and sorrow for what could've been, and now hearing as he grew excited to possibly call me made present-day less sombre. Today, I vowed, would be one to look back on. Because I would live past today, I would live past tomorrow and the day after; just until my real death date awaits because this was the chapter's end, not the book. "Wait chat... I have an amazing idea okay..." He spoke, while Mamá still held the phone in her hand moving to sit on my bedside to watch along with me; a bittersweet smile gracing her delicate features. The warm white daylight coming out from a cloud that had blocked it just a little while it shone down on both of us. It was like today was the day, as everything seemed to assure this. And my eyes shimmered, completely focused on him ignoring everything else as I laid there with more hope and life than the past nine months, maybe more..? How long had I been stuck inside these gray walls..? I wasn't sure.

"So chat, I'm sure you all know Hey There Delilah right? You guys even liked it enough to have me sing it on stream one time goddamnit..." My heart jumped out of my chest, knowing exactly where he was going with this and remembering that day. The smell of Foca detergent from his clothes, sweet coconut and vanilla hints accompanied that from the bar soap Mamá loved to buy from the local flea-market made by one of our longtime neighbours. My arms around his lanky torso, while he leaned against me and sung lowly and with true unfiltered tenderness. When I finally decided to look back up from his clothing, his eyes would always be there to meet mine, so bright and loving to always make me feel better. He got his eyes from Mamá, they bother were loving people with the ability to always comfort anyone at any time. He had the biggest heart, putting me over himself as often as he could, always checking in on me, or well used to. And would sing away my blues, would teach me guitar and would study with me. When we were really young, he was actually the smarter one out of the both of us, and would frequently go against the teacher's orders to stay at his seat and would get up to help me out no matter what. But as time moved forward, I became the smarter one and would return his gesture and even helped him out in cheating on a test, though we were caught and ended up getting a zero. Mamá was most certainly not impressed but we laughed it off and spent the summer attending a summer school to try and get our notes back up because the test we thought was so wonderfully smart to cheat on was worth a decent chunk of our grade in that class.

"Well anyway, that song does mean a lot to me and the day I left her... The last time I saw her chat... I sang this song to her, recorded it for her in case of anything. I always wondered if she kept the recording... Though I gave her a special version." Damn right it was special, though he forgot to mention the extra videos he sent over a period of I think six months... Covers to other songs I requested, even to a long time standing favourite song since I was about thirteen, let her go. Though I wasn't sure if I could exactly use 'favourite song' to describe it as I have fallen out of listening to it a lot, listening to others much more and I probably couldn't sing it to you by heart; not that I could sing in my current state anyways. But it was such an emotionally impactful song, I always considered it my favourite just on how it made me feel. And when you had Alex that could make any songs more emotionally impactful than anything I could ever imagine, you can bet it brought me to weeping tears every time at just how beautiful it was; though I never told him that. I always sent him a response video singing him a song, he never chose always saying I made everything sound heavenly. "Hey there Y/n..." He sang, better than ever actually as I could feel myself fall more and more in love with him all over again. Every word being in a gentle legato that made me absolutely melt, remember the good times, but it sunk my heart as I realized that he had no idea my condition. I realized that it may... No, it will shock him. Though I wasn't exactly sure how much, he did say he had a crush though it was in past-tense. I had no time to really think because I couldn't really do anything... I wondered if he were to call should I pick up? Should I decline and call him after the stream..?