𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

tell alex "i love you",

I was now trying to desperately get a hold of him, even if I knew his celebration stream was happening... I just wanted to tell him what I had basically built myself up to do over two decades, tell him how much I liked him, much more than a best friend. And tell him about what's happened, because it's been so long since he's checked in, much, much longer since I've last seen him in person. It would be a shock, no doubt, but he deserved to know and this would be my last thing on my list of people to tell things to. My most important for last, that's what I said to justify it but honestly, I just wanted to put it off as long as possible as I still did fear what he'd think of me after I reveal well... The truth.

And here Mamá tried desperately tried getting on the line with him, but I looked to my side as my own phone buzzed. mamá picked it up for me, reading the notification as her furrowed brows fell to a sad and disappointed look. "Empezó a hacer streaming." She knew better than anyone Alex really didn't like being disrupted when he was doing it, and kept his phone on do not disturb and at least wouldn't be available for another hour. But she still tried to get a hold of him, calling repeatedly and cursing at her cellular when he didn't pick up. She even went on my phone to check his stream, yelling at him through it even if she knew he didn't hear her. I slowly moved y gaze to her, she stopped in her anger frozen for just a moment before that sense of pity drenching her. That pity being felt by me, I hated it, I hated people seeing me as helpless to the point of feeling sorry to be me. I appreciated her love, her care but it only reinforced how lowly and melancholic I was, to have people look down on me like that. She knew all I wanted was Alex, her anger wasn't helping a thing as she realized how passive I was to the situation. She saw, through my sickly and worn-down state a sense of calm, because maybe this was a type of enlightenment to be at peace and to not hold resentment. Be aware of your own mortality, I mean how couldn't I? When every breath could be your last, when you were so uncertain rather than blissfully living like how I was when I was truly alive. Ignoring the prospect of death, ignoring the possibility of... Nothing. It's funny, how on the brink of disappearing, on the verge of death is when you could really see how beautiful it was to be alive. How I took, everything for granted. How now, everything was a spectacle and every day was a blessing. It made me feel silly to see how upset I got over somethings, how long a drive-through was or when someone would say a rude comment. How overworked I became when really it didn't mean anything anymore.

[ He started streaming. ]

The blessing of Death, I joked silently to myself.

But in my little moment of self-reflecting, one of many since being in the hospital, Mamá tilted the phone so I could see him, Alex. His joy while he welcomed his viewers, the overwhelming happiness was contagious as I just wished he was here. When he store at the camera with bright eyes and genuine words, I could feel okay again like when he was here thanking me for all the support of all these years. I felt okay in having this be my final time seeing him, if it were to be he wouldn't stream again in the time from now and whenever I would finally pass. But someone donated to send him a message, and I watched intently as he answered with a slight bit of solemn. "Woah jeez, that's a huge question without even thinking about it. As much as I have to say, my mother... There was someone who was there for me way before that..." He said, the audio being a little grainy as my phone wasn't the newest and had been with me for years. My heart warmed and my heart sounded like it pounded into my throat, that being picked up on the heart monitor. My doctors warned me of the fight-or-flight response and how it could negatively affect me, how being in love can physically affect my body but when Mamá shot me a worried look asking to turn it off I shot one back. If I were to die, I told myself this would be worth dying over as this was the closest I felt to normal again. And I saw his smile, larger than it usually was when he spoke, looking a little down while he thought quickly on his words. "She was the nicest, most beautiful singer and woman you could ever imagine. Like picture the prettiest girl ever, and scratch that because she was ten times that... No, a thousand times that."