A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 11

Much to Amanda's dismay, who didn't want to take up any more of Olivia's time than she already had, the older woman was adamant about making sure Amanda got home from her therapy appointment safely. Although every fiber of Olivia's being had wanted to beg Amanda to come back to work for the day, the professional older woman knew she had to convince the detective as her boss and as her...friend to take the rest of the day off. Although Amanda had resisted at first, her usual stubborn nature eventually came out in full, characteristic force, and she ultimately complied.

Olivia had had ridden back to Amanda's apartment alongside the younger woman in a dingy, foul-smelling cab; for some reason, their cab driver thought it was appropriate to play the saddest of all artists Johnny Cash for the duration of their ride. Respecting the fact that it was his cab, Olivia compensated for the heart wrenching music by holding onto the uncharacteristically quiet, younger woman tightly for the entire ride. Although Amanda had felt a little guilty for taking Olivia away from work, she ultimately decided that her boss is a big girl who can make her own choices; thus, she remained out of her mind happy at their situation, longing to remain in that space forever. She wasn't sure if things could get more perfect: her tiny, tense body gradually becoming more relaxed as the cab ride progressed, feeling totally safe wrapped inside the strong arms of the woman she loves.

The woman she loves and has loved for so long, who had never so much as given her anything beyond a quick pat on the shoulder before this past weekend. With each passing block, the smell of Olivia's signature, vanilla scent sweetly filled her nostrils; sunrays streamed through the dirty windows, dreamily illuminating the highlights in both of their hair. Although the thoughts of her former therapy session were looming dangerously around in her mind, Amanda tried her best to tamp them down, all-too-aware that she would be reacquainted with her demons once she got home, and was ardent on fully enjoying this rare moment with Olivia.

The instant Olivia saw that Amanda was safely inside of her building, the impulse to reach out to the blonde became impossibly overpowering. The older woman watched Amanda walk to the elevator through the tall, glass windows in front of her building; her mind disoriented with dizzying thoughts. Should I have really gone into work late for this? What if somebody says something? I had a doctor appointment. No; fuck that. It's none of their business, anyways. God, she looks so pretty, even while she's hurting. Especially while she's hurting. How could I go from "Rollins," to "sweetheart," in such a short period of time? Well...it's been seven years. Am I...a lesbian? Since when do I...fall for women? She's not just any woman. She's Amanda Rollins. Amanda Rollins. Amanda Rollins...how could I...think about her in that way while I was in the bath...? What if she ever found out that I did that? She'd be disgusted; mortified. She cares about me...she adores me...but she doesn't love me like I love her.

"L...Love," Olivia now stutters aloud, feeling a kaleidoscope of emotions reside in her core at this first-time admittance. Amanda probably didn't even make it into her apartment before the brunette sent her first text:

"Just so you don't forget, I am so proud of you. Let me know how you feel once you get settled in. Xo, Liv."

It wasn't until Olivia was already back at the precinct; uneasily shifting around in the once comfortable chair at her desk, indolently scanning her glassy eyes over some paperwork, when she is finally graced with a reply from the Amanda.

"Thanks, Liv. You don't need to worry. I'm OK."

Olivia runs a pair of sweaty hands through her dark hair, and exhales a loud, exasperated sigh as she nervously peers at her wristwatch, feeling extremely disappointed when she realizes that it is nowhere near the end of her workday. And, of course, being the caring, protective lieutenant that she is, she is nowhere near satisfied with Amanda's short response.

The lieutenant taps gently against the screen of her phone, eager to appear outwardly calm, fearful that one of her squad mates will catch her acting out of the ordinary. Outwardly composed, but internally dying, and desperate for proof that Amanda is holding up.

"Are you sure you're okay? From what you told me in the cab, it seemed like an intense session and I wouldn't blame you for feeling overwhelmed, sweetheart. What are you doing right now?"

Very shortly after her text delivers, three little dots appear under their conversation, implying that Amanda is already typing her response. Olivia is over the moon with how quickly the blonde responds to her; subconsciously still feeling traces of paranoia that she will not be able to earn Amanda's trust back, after she didn't respond to her first text message on Saturday night.

"Cuddled up on the couch with Frannie. Watching Netflix. Drinking coffee (and nothing else). Don't worry, Liv."

Olivia remains unsatisfied with her response, with an evil, worried panic is gnawing at her core. She makes the executive decision to cautiously prod deeper, careful not to make Amanda feel like she is being too nosy,  yet finding herself unable to ignore the subtle tension in the detective's short messages.

"What are you two ladies watching?"

Her phone remains radio silent for quite some time which promptly sends Olivia down into an unintentional spiral of panic, unable to grasp any ounce of control over her own emotions. She is utterly irritated by this fact, and scrubs her hands over her face in frustration. She internally ponders if she should close the blinds in her office; certain that one of her subordinates will now realize how distraught she really is at the moment. Amanda doesn't torture her for too long, however, and the brunette's brain is caked in relief when she sees "1 iMessage from Amanda Rollins" flash across the screen of her now-locked iPhone.

"'Children of the Corn.'"

Olivia involuntarily shudders in response to another short text message, and at Amanda's strange choice in film; ever since she was a little girl, the seemingly tough lieutenant has been painfully terrified of scary movies. She hates to admit this, and rarely does; she can't have the entire squad of brave cops and detectives under her supervision knowing that their no nonsense, usually strong boss cringes merely at the thought of ghouls and zombies.

"Well..." she begins to type, feeling a wave of self-consciousness wash over her with the power of a tsunami, "that's certainly an interesting choice for someone who is supposed to be relaxing," she continues, adding a winky face at the end to break some of the awkwardness.

Amanda replies more punctually this time, consequently shattering Olivia's heart into a million little pieces when she scans the notification. "Those demons, Liv. Sometimes, it's nice to watch something more fucked up than your own life."

Olivia is again overcome with the instinctual yearning to run over to Amanda's apartment and wrap her in her arms until the younger woman feels happy again. Rationally, Olivia knows that she cannot provide Amanda the healing she so urgently needs to work for herself; however, she'll be damned if she doesn't try. The brunette internally chastises herself for always wanting to heal everyone else's pain, while paying such little attention to her own; in fact, that's one of the "character defects" she and Dr. Lindstrom have been discussing for her to work on. Old habits die hard, however, and Olivia internally hopes that she can provide her suffering detective with an adequate amount of comfort. She is nervous, though, that if Amanda ever fully opens up to her about her past, she won't be able to hold it together herself. In turn, the struggle to quickly wipe the tears leaking from her eyes in response to Amanda's text message overcomes her, as Carisi knocks at her office door, inquiring about a current case.

"Hey Lieu," he sheepishly states, gingerly stepping a foot into her office, "are you okay?"