A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 9

"You know, I'm not as dumb as I look, Liv," Amanda angrily declares as she steps a foot into her lieutenant's office, reluctant and withdrawn, as she plops down onto the colorless, washed-out couch.

Amanda was still engaged in her depression-induced slumber by the time Olivia had texted her last night, but she failed to mention this to her so obviously concerned boss. That is, if you could even count what she was doing last night as sleep. She had jolted awake countless times over the course of the evening, overcome with terror each time she woke up trembling from nightmares, and sweat leaking from every pore of her body. Olivia, however, has been so frazzled by emotion that she has totally convinced herself that the blonde had blatantly ignored her text, just as she did only a day prior. Olivia can't even blame Amanda for the amounts of anger she currently feels radiating off of the tiny woman's body; after all, it was she who ignored a text first. In addition, she thinks, it was she who had frantically rushed out of Amanda's apartment the moment she had sobered up.

The sick parts of Amanda's brain that she continually needs to work at squashing down have made a reappearance; her "addict" brain, as she calls it, recently taking over the majority of her frontal lobe. It's true that she hasn't seen Olivia's text until the next morning, when she was already late to work but she also finds a twisted satisfaction in torturing the brunette, taking confidence in the fact that it appears as if she has even a fraction of the power that Olivia so classically holds over her right now.

In the span of less than a day, Olivia's historical walls been catapulted into, and consequently blown down, by a powerful stick of metaphorical dynamite; she is now determined to do everything in her power to work on her relationship with the Amanda.

Sad, dark eyes bore into blue eyes, intending to somehow prove to Amanda that she can still trust her. "I never implied that you were, Amanda," she replies despondently, as she slams the door of her office shut, and peeks an eye over toward Fin, who is staring right back at her, seemingly attempting to burn a hole right through her head. "Have a nice lunch, Fin, she mutters with the roll of her eyes, as she thoughtfully fastens the door's lock and draws the blinds shut.

As soon as Olivia turns around to see the blonde standing across from her, she is nearly knocked over by a wave of panic, totally unprepared for this emotional conversation she is about to have with her coworker. As she walks toward her desk, she feels her limbs quake with fear, impatiently wondering how this is about to play out. She inhales a deep breath, feeling her belly rising in response, and is mindful to suck in as much oxygen as physically possible.

Amanda Rollins is in love with Olivia Benson.

This is not new information.

Even before she had even met her, Amanda was completely taken aback by Olivia. There was just something about her that struck a chord deep inside of her soul; that something had significantly exceeded her expectations once she finally met her idol. Before moving, Amanda had put in a lot of research in studying both Olivia's cases and the woman herself, before she put a transfer request in. When they met, it was like a spark had been ignited inside of her soul; she knew she would never be the same. Olivia was different; so different from anyone else she had ever laid eyes on so smart, so intuitive, so passionate and it didn't hurt that she was drop-dead gorgeous. These feelings didn't scare her at first; she was used to having romantic feelings for women since she was a teenager. Amanda never felt it necessary to identify as lesbian or bisexual, however; she just liked who she liked always had always will. Throughout her life, she has been with both women and men, and although she likes having sex with men occasionally, she feels herself more apt to form romantic feelings for women. Unfortunately, fear did not stay dormant for long.

As soon as they started working together, Olivia seemed to do everything in her power to create as much space between her and Amanda as possible. At their first meeting, when Amanda had confidently and eagerly strutted up to the older woman to introduce herself, with a dopey smile plastered across her face, Olivia had completely brushed her off. She even mistakenly noted that she had transferred from Dallas. Amanda felt hurt and unworthy at this response; to this day, she vividly recalls her pathetic attempt in trying to tamp down her disappointment at Olivia's dismissal. She painfully remembers that frown creeping across her face, without her permission. Realistically, Amanda knew she had to keep in mind that Olivia was grieving the loss of her long-time partner, who had abandoned her so suddenly and that she shouldn't take the brunette's cold behavior so personally. Sometimes, the healthy rationalization worked, but most of the time, after being treated so coldly for awhile, she felt that Olivia's emotions unfairly got taken out on her especially as she was climbing the ladder up to become a sergeant, and then as lieutenant.