A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 4

With her cigarette now laying in the dirty slush on the cracked sidewalk after being thrown down in anger, the blonde detective continues to react with an apparent drunkenness as she wobbles toward her boss.

"Really, Liv? Couldn't find a minute to reply to my text?" she slurs, her voice laced with irrefutable agitation after she mentally confirms that Olivia has been ignoring her all day; robust feelings of disappointment and anger rising to the surface when she further realizes she has spent time worrying about someone who still doesn't respect her feelings, even after all of these years of her effort to build a cordial relationship. "What the hell, Liv," she accidentally continues to blurt out; the words rolling off of her tongue faster than her brain can catch up. "Shit," she instantaneously corrects, after realizing that she is speaking to her superior, "I'm sorry."

Olivia is frozen solid; her eyes spread wide in dread and emulating the color of coal, as if she has just been caught in the act of committing a deviant crime. She gradually lifts her hands up into the air as if to appear innocent, a secret panic ebbing from the tip of her crown down to her toes that are now smushed against the tips of her black booties.

There is an awkward silence now swimming within the air between the two distressed women; a silence so thick that either one of them could slice it in half with a butter knife, if she so pleased. The only audible sounds come from passing vehicles and Amanda's heavy pants of rage. Olivia has yet to take a breath herself; too busy trying to slam down the intensifying horror, and simultaneously trying to fill herself up with defensiveness.

"Good evening to you too, Rollins," the older detective finally pronounces with a trace of crass, "funny running into you here." The blonde says nothing, her head buzzing with embarrassment and the ongoing effects of the copious amounts of alcohol she has already indulged in, trying to maintain composure as her forehead shimmers in the light produced by a streetlamp; tiny beads of sweat popping up from beneath her skin, despite the freezing temperature outside.

Abruptly, and not realizing he has just interrupted a potential war-zone, Carisi swings the door of the bar open with a bang, and continues to jog toward the two stoic women standing outside of the building. "Hey, Lieu!" he states with excitement, "I'm glad you could make it! I was just coming to check on Amanda, Fin is also inside," he snorts, "trying to drink his singleness away."

"Carisi," Olivia remarks peevishly, "you neglected to mention that Rollins would be joining us tonight." Almost instantly, as she lowers her hands back down to her hips, she adds, "and Fin."

"I did?" Carisi replies sheepishly, now severely intimidated by the irate tone of his superior's voice and her dark orbs that are digging into his soul. "At first," he admits, "Fin and I just asked Amanda to come out with us, because we didn't want to bother you on your day off...but..." he continues to squirm, "when Amanda got here, she seemed pretty appalled that we didn't invite you, so that's why I shot you a text..." he finishes, precariously throwing Amanda under the bus.

Amanda is beside herself at her co-worker's cowardly admission of her attempted manipulation. "Carisi! Fuckin' stop talking!" she exclaims in a panicked voice, lunging toward him in an attempt to cover his mouth with her bare hands. He jumps away from her and as a result, knocks his head into the side of the building. As he is furiously massaging the occipital portion of his skull, he comes to the realization that he and Fin have initiated something dangerous by inviting the two women out together, and further decides that it is none of his business. "I think I'm going to head back inside," he quietly drones, eyes shifting rapidly back-and-forth between the two heated women, "sorry for not being clear, Lieutenant. If you guys need anythi-"

Olivia cuts him off by a flippant wave of her right hand to prompt dismissal. With his now-aching head bowed down, like a child in trouble, Carisi shuffles back inside of the warm building, greeting Fin with a troubled frown.

Outside, the awkward silence has returned to the air as the two women stand across from each other. Even though Amanda has no clue that she has spent the majority of her day overcome with anxiety and thoughts of her past and present relationships, Olivia still feels vulnerable and cautious. She begins opening her mouth to chastise Amanda, disgusted with the fact that she has so sneakily fooled Carisi and Fin in her seemingly innocent attempt to include their boss in a squad outing, but shortly thereafter refrains from speaking, as her eyes begin to soften when she notices the amount of pain in Amanda's usually soft features.

"'Manda," Olivia says gently, shifting toward the shaking woman, silently cursing herself for her incessant need to comfort others, "I'm the one who should be sorry." The older woman inhales sharply and concurrently decides just how much more honesty she is willing to release into the universe today. "I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to text you back...it's just been a rough day."

Amanda's eyes flicker with sadness; the need to shed herself of the selfishness she has been displaying throughout this entire interaction growing stronger inside her with each passing moment. "What's wrong?" she questions, with an arched eyebrow and a hint of despair looming in her voice.

"Nothing-" Olivia habitually responds, "I mean," she hastily corrects, determined to be honest about her feelings for once in her life, "we all have our demons, Amanda," she concludes, wincing at her choice of such melodramatic words.

Amanda feels a sharp stab of pain wrench itself into her gut and accepts the older woman's answer, actually quite thrilled that her superior has shared something slightly personal with her, no matter how vague it really is. When it comes Olivia, Amanda has trouble remaining anything other than totally transparent; she often finds herself wishing she could say the same about her characteristically guarded boss.

"Liv..." the younger woman says, definitely speaking more coherently now, as if the seriousness of the situation has forced her to sober up a bit. "I get it...I get it more than you know...the demons..." she pauses, in an attempt to prolong the inevitable openness that constantly leaks from her when she is around the older woman.

"That's actually why I texted you earlier."