A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 8

Even Liv. She is left breathless with this realization: that the woman she had idolized and feigned after for so long, both before AND after coming to work with her in the 1-6, could end up hurting more than everyone else combined even her own father who literally just killed himself. Amanda feels her heart aching in a way it never has before; as if the thoracic cavity is shattering beneath her knees that hold it together.

She goes further to psychologically kick herself, for believing that even for a moment she could trust her boss who she has had a complicated relationship with, to say the least with the admission of her father's suicide. "And to think that I was goin' to ask her about seeing Dr. Lindstrom again," she pitifully chuckles. Rationally, she thinks, she didn't know that Olivia would ignore her text message. And she didn't mean to get so drunk. And she wasn't expecting her boss to actually show up, after she coerced Carisi into inviting her. She was hurting. She is hurting.

The thought of going to a GA meeting fleetingly passes through her mind; however, she remembers, GA meetings help with addiction to gambling, and not addiction to people.

"You know what, Frannie?" Amanda inquires to her now-anxious dog, who has fully picked up on her owner's emotions and is frantically licking her own paws in an attempt to soothe herself.

"I think it's just gonna be you and me, girl forever..." she lethargically states, feeling her eyelids slowly growing heavy, as the record-player still plays her beloved tunes.

He's always feeling cheated,

telling all his secrets

That I couldn't keep...

Her face is now collapsed so hard against the side of the couch that her eyebrow has drawn upward, and her eyelid is spread half-open against the cushion. "It's like she has half a heart," she mumbles, before drifting off into another depression-filled slumber.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Olivia Benson is back in her bathtub, after spending the remainder of her Sunday running errands in an attempt to maintain the notion that she still has her life somewhat together. This time, however, she is accompanied by a tall glass of wine, and a Lush bath bomb that smells of coconuts. She is determined to kill the stress that has encompassed her entire being after this past weekend by relaxing—truly relaxing—as best as she knows how. To her, that includes pushing down any and all thoughts about Amanda Rollins, whatever "demons" she apparently feels the need to bare, and her own growing attraction toward the small woman at least for the time being.

The tap is turned off, but the water is still steaming with warmth as it settles in foamy layers around her bare legs. Her chilly feet are placed outside of the liquid in a crossed position on the right-hand side of the tub, where the shampoo usually takes up residence. She inhales deeply as she sets down her wine glass, and traces the pad of her index finger against the golden bar hanging from a chain alongside her neck. She is hit with a wave of nausea when she eventually comes to realize that she is breathing in the scent of coconut; consequently reminded of how similar it smells to the sweet aroma that lingered from Amanda's bed sheets last night. She is further reminded of how she came to acquire this cherished necklace in the first place; a gift that usually brings her so much peace and comfort. Right now, however, the piece of jewelry is regrettably associated with a person she does not want to be thinking about.

In response to these unwanted memories and associations, Olivia swallows some wine to force down the rising bile in her throat, and unhooks the thin piece of gold from her neck. After she carefully places the object on the lid of the toilet, she begins to fidget, a hopeless effort to quiet her ever-racing mind. The brunette wraps her damp hair into a bun, and lowers her fingers into the water, swirling the bursting colors that trail from the bath bomb all around the tub. She takes another gulp of wine, which leaves a natural-looking, crimson stain across her lips.