Taekook one shot

Taekook <3

A slender yet muscular, bootylicious man stood in the doorway, wearing pink cat ears and adorning a purple face mask. 'I know you were trying to be sneaky, but you're hella thicc, and the sound of your ass cheeks clapping alerted me to your presence'. Jungkook quickly looked behind him fearfully.

'I can't believe you've done this' he whispers, thoroughly appalled by the cockroach humanoid before him. 'But wait a minute... Who are you? I'm tryna sue.'

The absolute madlad motions to his face, a mysterious smile making his face cheeks look like apples. 'You see this? Google it, bitch.'

The search result made him feel like someone injected bleach up his rectum. 'REBECCA???? It's not what you think!'

The stranger pulled a lightsaber out of his fanny pack. 'I won't hesitate, bitch!'

'You know what it is baby. Ik voel me sexy als ik dans,' He said flirtatiously, winking discreetly.

'Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!' yelled a voice in the distance. It belonged to a small little garden gnome holding a glass of beer. 'Hold my beer' the creature then proclaimed, and promptly phased out of existence, leaving only a puddle of slime as evidence that it lived.

'Uh..' trailed Jungkook, tilting his head to the side in confusion. 'Anyways, I'm looking for someone, a person who can be the oppa to my baby boy, the pen to my paper, the niels to my litooij, will you help me in this mission papi?' He looked up at the stranger, eyes pleading with the brimming hope of desperation and longing that only resides in the truly br[ok]en.

'But yeobu... JE KENT ME NIET EENS, OOH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH OH~ but you can get to know me now, I guess,' Again, he winks, but this time with both eyes, not discreetly and with more FEELING. 'I'm Tae, but you can call me Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez'

'Heyyy Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez, I'm your new baby boy!' He sucks his thumb enthusiastically, much to Tae's dismay.

He cringed uncontrollably, leaking tears of spain and germagony. 'Why... WHY??'

Jungkook spontaneously grabbed onto his hand, kneeling in regret and love. 'Daddy...' he crooned. 'I'm sorry you were hurt by my actions. It's not my fault you're a SNOWFLAKE. Grow up, kid. The world doesn't revolve around you. Anyways will you marry me?' He added, as an afterthought.

Tae's mouth dropped open in shock. On the one hand, what the fuck. On the other, what the actual fuck. But as a wizard, he was obliged to a third hand, a hand which held his love and compassion for Jungkook. Although he barely knew him and had only met him 5 minutes ago, he felt an unshakeable bond that could not be broken. Love was an open door, and he didn't want to close it. He could picture himself with this man, drinking banana milk, finishing each other's sandwiches, bullying young elementary school kids, calling other people their age 'boomers'. They would adopt a dog and two parents, both respectively named Yeontan and Namjin. They'd live in a little house by the sea and butter each other's toenails each morning. But first... the truth had to be revealed.

'I love you. And as much as I appreciate you proposing like this... I have to show you something first.' He gently yeeted Johncock over his shoulder, bridal style and speedwalked to an armchair. He threw John onto it softly. Then he got onto his knees, bending over just enough to be able to reach under the coffee table. He pulled out a binder and flipped it open, a bright grin on his face. "This is my Pokémon card collection."

Jeongguk carefully brushed his fingers along the treasures. 'These are beautiful, daddy... Can I shove them up my ass?'

'Of course baby boy.'

THE END