Secrets of Attraction

Eighteen: JOOHYUK

"Although, we couldn't walk around naked or anything," she said.

I laughed. "Are you trying to make me drive off the road?"

"Never." She squeezed my hand.

"We could just live in that guesthouse, have our own private pool."

"You were paying attention."

"Of course," I said.

I could have driven like that forever, just one long winding road, with Suzy holding my hand. My mind kept interrupting, though - making me think. Questions I was afraid to ask because I knew they would wreck the mood, but I wanted to know the answers anyway. What were we doing? Could I kiss her again? Were we . . . together?

Why ruin the moment with reality?

Suzy spoke first.

"So why did you and Sungkyung break up?"

Ah, so she had questions too.

"Where's my grape?"

She smiled. "No grapes today. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want."

I peeked over at her. She chew her thumbnail and studied my face. Talking about Sungkyung didn't bother me, but the dose of reality made it seem like Sungkyung was in the backseat, leaning forward, waiting to hear what I would say about her.

"It's cool. Ask away."

"How long were you together?"

"Forever."

She shifted in the seat, taking her feet off the dash. "Hmm, that sounds like a long time."

"We live on the same block, so I don't know, it has always soft of felt that way, but we weren't together, together until the end of her freshman year of high school."

I spilled more than I planned, but something about being behind the wheel, driving through the mountains, not looking her in the eyes, made it easier to talk.

"What made you break up?"

"You'd have to ask her."

"So you didn't want to break up?"

There was something in the tone of her voice that made me want to change the subject. The whispering, sexy, chivalrous guitar god was turning back into average-Joe barista in the noonday sun.

"I, um . . . at the time, I guess no. I didn't really expect it, I was sort of blind side. They're happy together - it hurt to see them like that at first, but now, it's okay I guess. I mean, I don't want to hang out with them or anything, but, you know, if I bump into them, I think I'll be all right."

"Did you break up because of the developer?"

"At first I thought so, but it was more than that. We didn't spend any time together. And then I was late for her birthday party. Sweet Sixteen or some. Shitty thing to do, but at the time -"

"Her birthday?"

"Yeah."

Her brow furrowed. "Ironic, no?"

"Huh?"

"Think about it. We just had this awesome time for my birthday. Maybe you're trying to make it up for that. Subconsciously or something?"

"No. That's ridiculous." Wasn't it?

She laughed. "Chill, Jjwogi, I'm just fooling around. Wielding my AP Psychology knowledge. I didn't mean to hit a nerve. Sorry."

"You didn't hit a nerve."

We returned the rental car, check in the airport, got to our gate, and seated in our assigned seats. She closed her eyes. End of conversation.

Was it true? had I just orchestrated this whole thing for Suzy's birthday because I was still somehow trying to make up for my mistake? No. No. The truth was, it never would have occured to me to do something like that for Sungkyung, and that made me feel worse. My relationship with Sungkyung had been easy, I never had to work for any of it. She was pretty and easy to talk to and we had this history, but Suzy challenged me. I'd wanted to surprise her, to do something that would really matter. I was over Sungkyung. Over us. And our breakup had nothing to do with Hyoseop and everything to do wit me.

We finally reached Suzy's house at dusk. I pulled into the spot in front of her house and killed the ignition. I'd been so confident after last night, and in the morning when I'd pulled over at the gas station, but in our everyday reality, the spell was broken. She made a move to get out.

"Wait," I said.

"What's up?"

"What you said before - the whole subconscious thing -"

She slumped back into the seat. "Jjwogi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I was being a smartass. That's sort of what I do, when things get too real."

"Real?"

"The past twenty-four hours have been maybe some of the best of my life. It flew by, and the thing is - I never even thought about wanting to be anywhere else. Or with anyone else. It was nice."

She played with the string on my hoodie, pulled me close.

"I like you, Suzy. I didn't do this to make up for anything. I did it for you. And I really hope we can do this again. Not this exactly, but do stuff. Together."

Maybe I was being too real, but I couldn't help it.

"Me too, Joohyuk," she whispered, and put her lips to mine. "Walk me up?"

"Yes."