happy place || jj maybank ON HOLD

chapter nine

"Best friends? Really, Vienna? Is that really how you see me?" He said.

I scoffed, laughing a little in disbelief, "this is all because I joked about you taking his spot? Are you kidding me?"

He stayed silent, but kept his stare on me.

"Look, it was a fucking joke, JJ. I told you not even five minutes before that, that no one has ever replaced John! For seventeen fucking years of my life!" I said, loosing my temper on him, "and this," I motion between me and John's house, "has absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? I already talked to him. He understands I just need space. I'm not leaving him." I clarify, thinking that's why JJ is mad. "I can't be someone's rock when I'm struggling to stay above the surface myself. He gets that. Why can't you respect that, too?"

"Because you don't want to be alone." He says, speaking softly now. "You said it yourself, you need someone too."

"You don't fucking know what I want or need, JJ." I say, shaking my head and turning back toward the road, not letting my guard down.

He grabs my arm, stopping me, "I do, though. I'm just like you. I push people away when really all I want is to fight for someone to stay around when I need it. That one person who doesn't leave because I tell them to. That one person who sees the hurt in me, and instead of ignoring it because I asked them to, wants to fix it instead."

I looked at him, and felt emotions bubbling back up. I shook my head, not allowing myself to become vulnerable to a boy I met only a few weeks ago.

"You don't know me, JJ." I ripped my arm from his grasp, "I just need to be alone." I walked back toward the road, and this time he let me.

"I know that isn't the truth, Enna." He said, before letting his head fall in defeat, walking back inside John B's.

I watched him go, knowing every word he said was right, wondering when that person would come for me.

I found myself silently wishing it was him, but knowing that would never be reality.

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The next few days I spent cooped inside my house.

Sleeping, eating, writing, singing, repeat.

The days flooded together. Sunsets melted into sunrises and breakfasts became dinners.

I found myself eating the first meal of the day now, at 5 pm. I haven't changed since I got back here six days ago.

John came and checked on my two days ago and last night. I'm back to normal now with him. When he first checked on my two days ago, I didn't speak.

But last night, I told him everything. I told him about Sienna and James. I told him how I had no one besides him now. I told him how JJ and I started to get close, but I ruined it, like I always did. I didn't cry though, I kept my walls high and strong as I explained everything to him with a straight face. I didn't want to break down, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted John to finally understand what has lead me to be how I am.

He stayed the night, not having the strength to leave me alone. I mentally thanked him, thinking back to what JJ said, I secretly didn't want to be alone at all.

He told me what the four of them have been up to, their days consisted of movie nights at John's and days out on the boat. He said that JJ told them it wasn't fair to me to continue the hunt for the Merchant without me with them.

I felt a bubble of hope rise in me, silently thinking that maybe he still cared, maybe I didn't ruin it all. Although, I figured I was wrong. It was probably John who told them that, but gave JJ the credit, in attempts to make me feel better.