Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

12:

I know that I don't have to be that way anymore, but I have been for so long that I can't just turn it off. I am trying and I want him to understand that, but that isn't what this is about. Right now, it's not about me or him.

"Okay, well I just want to know if you're okay with it too?"

"Yes, I'm okay with it. She's just ten, where else was she supposed to go?"

"I'll talk to her tomorrow." I assure him, and I don't even wait to continue the conversation before I walk away.

There isn't much to say really. He thinks I'm impulsive and mean, I think that I'm trying my best and my husband doesn't acknowledge that. I can't just wake up and say "hey, Catalina lets magically stop being this thing you've been your whole life".

I feel bad enough about not being where I want to be. I feel like I'm being stupid and stuck in my ways because I don't think that the person I am is able to keep up with the life I have. I don't know what it takes to be a flawless wife or a perfect mom.  I can't go to preschool parent meetings because I don't know how to get along with the other moms. I look "mean" to them, but that's because in high school I learned that looking as if you didn't want anyone to talk to you made it less hurtful when they didn't.

I'm afraid that if I put myself out there and be my full, authentic self without the protection of facade that no one will like me. If I'm the person I really want to be and no one likes me then what am I left with?

Despite him trying to ask me what's wrong, I ignore Ashton. I don't really want to talk to him right now and since anger is always my first instinct, I don't want to talk to him tomorrow either......or the day after that.

I lay on the edge of the bed-- as far on my side as I can-- and stare ahead of me. I'm ignoring him because I know that he'll feel bad for upsetting me and I want him to feel bad. That's awful, but that's what I have been doing to people my entire life. I always want them to feel bad for making me feel bad, which is bad. I understand that I can't--I shouldn't-- do that anymore.

He starts to speak again, probably to ask me what's wrong for the tenth time. If he does, I'll answer him. I can't shut down and be a spiteful bitch every time someone upset me. That's what I used to do, and why would I want to do anything I used to?

"You called me mean." I start to express instead of waiting to explode. "You called me mean and it hurt my feelings. I'm not mean, and if I am it's really not on purpose."

He looks at me as I speak and nods his head to let me know that he's listening before he responds.

"I am trying to be better for you, but when you say stuff like that it makes me angry. All I know how to do when I get angry is be vengeful or cry. I'm not doing either of those things right now, so I'm trying. I really am trying."

"I'm sorry--"

"And it's not easy." I interrupt him. "I'm stressed out everyday because being a mother when you never truly had one is hard. None of our kids can tie their own shoes or feed themselves. I barely have the energy and time to do stuff that I enjoy. So, it's not easy trying to stop being the person I used to be because I'm very busy."

"I know." Ashton responds. He sits up next to me and looks at me. "I didn't really mean it and I am sorry, I know you're trying."

He reaches out to put his arm under my waist and slightly roll me over from the edge of the bed. Even though I haven't felt my dissatisfaction simmer, I curl into his arms without reluctance.

"So are you going to return my gift?"

I can feel his chest as he laughs. "No, do you still want it?"