Finding my lost self

Was he my first...?

  Did the title make you curious?

Okay, Imma start my story. It was summer, more specifically, August 2019. I just came home after I was at the beach with my family for one week. I can say that it was amazing. I brought gifts for my best friend, and when I came home and I got some rest, we decided to go out. We talked about a lot of stuff that I saw and did at the beach, I gave her the presents and showed her a lot of pictures. Seeing her smile filled my soul with so much happiness. She couldn't stop smiling, she was so excited about eveything. What do I love about her the most? The fact, that even if  I didn't buy her very expensive things, (I brought her a bracelet that had half a heart on it, cause the other half was at me, you know, because we complete each other, and a magnet so she can put it on  her fridge) she was so happy about them that her eyes lighted up and seeing her happy, my soul did too. Why? Because little things matter the most. What was heart touching for her was the fact that I thought about her. Yeah, that's what I love the most about her. There's one more thing that I want to mention. In her life, she went to the beach once, when she was very little. She doesn't remember anything. I go every year, and every time she tells me to appreciate my parents for this, to be grateful, to have fun and send her pictures. I brought her something every time, and I wanna say that all my magnets are on her fridge. She was always happy for me, never jealous. Wanna know a secret? When I'll have my driver license, I'm gonna take her to the beach. But for now , shhh, she doesn't know that. But, dear bestie, if you'll read this one day, just know how special you are to me. (lovely reader, please stop and listen to ''The Script-Run Through Walls'', don't ruin the magic)

Uhhh, I was a little sentimental. After that she came home with me. We sat outside, on my swing, and talked about the big problems we had. Boys, ofc. I came up with a really ridiculous idea.I wanted to text a boy. Just randomly. By the way,it was the first time when I texted a boy first. I opened messenger, watched the list of my friends, and I saw a really cute guy. I showed him to my best friend and she ''waved'' at him. She sent him a damn hand that was waving. I deleted it and wrote ''sorry, by mistake''. MHM. I was sure that he won't respond to me, he had a lot of likes and yeah, why would he respond to ''sorry, by mistake''? I wouldn't have done it either to be honest. It was late, she called a cab and went home. When I wanted to go to sleep, arond 1 AM, GUESS WHAT. He replied. We started talking. We talked till 6 AM, and you know what I found out? He was at the same beach as me, in the same period. I was something like ''Well, fuck''. And yeah, of course, we lived in different cities (we still do). The distance was really big. We talked almost every day till 6 AM. We had so much things in common, we were sending each other songs and we were talking about deep stuff. What happened? We fell in love. I never saw him in real life, but my soul fell in love with his. Our hearts were beating the same rhythm. We wanted to feel each other close and see each other so much, that it was hurting us already. Many times, I just wanted to hug him, but I couldn't. I loved him so much. It was the first time when I had true feelings for someone. I knew his darkest secrets and he knew mine. We knew each other so well.  ( lovely reader, listen to ''Andy Grammer- Best of you'')

Then in september the school started. In October I found out that in the city where he lives, it was coming a big concert. It was my favorite band! FINALLY! I had a reason to go there. I made plans with my bestie, and we were begging our parents for two weeks for letting us go. But in the end, they agreed. It was Tuesday morning, we were waiting for my dad to come home from work (he's a fireman, working 24/24), he was tired, but he took a shower and then we started our trip.

I wanna say, that I was heartbroken.(listen to ''Lova- Lonely ones'') Two days earlier, on Sunday evening, he broke up with me, even if he knew that I was going to see him. He said that it's too hard for him to deal with the distance, cause he wants me next to him. I understood his point,but it was still hurting me. I cried all night. Monday morning I went to school and tried not to cry, cause I didn't want  my parents or friends to know something about this. It was hard. Very hard. But they couldn't understand anyway. It was just me with myself. Ofc, my best friend knew what happened. No need to say that she was there for me. But, before that, in those days I listened to a song that was making me happy and it was so relatable. (Listen to ''Bahari-Miles to your heart'')