Song For A Winter Sky

09 January 2021

This is my mind:
a dream
a multiverse
infinite wonders
finality
ice
an Arctic wind
stars and moons and glaciers
demons
something vastly beyond my comprehension
and you.

This is what keeps me awake. This is hour after hour. This is the smallest, most random triggers. This is you.

The guilt is overwhelming
but I have to let myself feel
because what I did was
unforgivable
and I must never hurt anyone the same way again.

I think about the moon, sometimes, you know. I find it interesting that Apollo XI was the most well-known mission. I always found Apollo XIII more interesting. I know more about it, anyway. Tiny faults, little things go wrong. Oxygen begins to run out. And those that swore they would touch the moon are forced to pull away, the still grey surface within arm's reach, almost. A broken promise. Something untouchable.

I broke my promise, to myself and to you. I told you I would love you. I told myself I wouldn't hurt you. I failed.

I still care, of course. There wouldn't be guilt if I didn't. But I have to leave you just beyond arm's reach. Something untouchable. My moon, left behind as I run out of oxygen.

We gave each other our souls, and I know you. You know what I am. You don't walk away from a bullet like this. It kills me that I fired it.

I sure as all hell don't deserve you.

Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself. You always focus on the bad. You used to come to me to help you focus on the good, but that bullet stopped you. Now that I'm gone, can you focus on yourself, your true self, what you are, your best? I think you're strong enough to. I think you can drag yourself out.

I know you, raven. Birds of a feather, after all. We were so close. Spilled secrets and silence. I was a bastard. I was so cruel. I hurt us both, and I swear I didn't mean it. It still haunts me. And I can tell in your eyes that it haunts you too.

You can forgive me. I think you have, maybe, almost. It doesn't change the fact that you are fundamentally better than I, stronger than I. You're the angel, falling, and I am the demon that dragged you down.

I don't deserve you.

I will live with the guilt.

This is my mind.