TW//: thoughts of suicide, intrusive thoughts, cutting
*Colton's inner thoughts
"It's still crazy that it blew up like that!" Jaden laughed as he sparked a joint. "I know right, I still can't believe it!" I agreed playing my guitar.
His head popped up as I played another cord.
"Record that!" He shot up. I rose my eyebrow but moved to get in the booth.
I recorded the underlying chords moving to something stronger as he bobbed his head.
"You play the drums right?" He said over the intercom. "Yeah dude." I smirked. "Get on them. I'm about to lay down something.
"Cool." I set my guitar on the stand and headed out to my drum kit as he got in the booth.
"Ready?" I put on my earphones. "Let's go!" He said as I pressed the record button.
♾♾♾
"I'm gonna master it down tomorrow. I should have it to you by tomorrow night." I told him. "For sure, I'll see you tomorrow C!" Jaden waved heading to his car.
I went upstairs to my room getting in the shower after. I sighed knowing I couldn't call Dixie to settle my thoughts.
Or alcohol. Or weed. Just me. In my thoughts.
Did I waste too many days fighting my demons instead of being happy and in the moment.
Did I fight myself on most nights? Staying up waiting on the sun to save me.
My fixation with death and how it affects me. Did I really want to be here or am I just staying to say I did?
Am I happy?
Am I myself most days? No, I'm a shell of myself. I know that. The only time I'm sober is when I need to be.
Why do you need to be?
For my girlfriend, for basketball, to keep up an image.
What image? What is an image if you're not yourself?
I don't know.
You have to know Colton. How do you not?
I don't know.
You do know! You know enough to drug yourself up! So be real with yourself for one fucking second Colton!
Shut up!
No you shut up! What the fuck are you running from?
Nothing!
It has to be something! You know that deep down there's something wrong! Stop fucking running from your problems they always catch up with you! You only seem to lose to yourself!
I'll never be good enough okay! Nobody needs me I should just jump off a bridge!
Off a bridge what about your mom? The twins? Dixie? Your aunt? Don't you think that's a little extreme?
Why are you asking me this, really? What do you want?
Because you need to know that people love you! People need you Colton!
Nobody fucking needs me! I'm just a fuck up! I fuck up everything! So why should I be here?
Why are you asking me that? Am I not you?
I gasped loudly snapping back into the shower realizing the water had run cold.
Stopping the shower I dried my self off and grabbed my phone.
"Hello?" Dixie's voice rang through my speaker as I threw on a sports bra. "Hey," I cleared my throat. "Hey Bolty." Dixie said softly. I saw she had on a hoodie laying in bed. "Can I come over?" I sniffled.
"Addison's over but sure." She nodded. "That's okay. I just need to be around people. This house is getting the best of me." I said.
"Okay," She nodded. "And I'll just sleep on the couch. I won't bother you two." I said. "Colton no, the couch is uncomfortable!" Dixie said. I nodded silently. "I'll be there in like twenty minutes. I need to make sure everything locked up around here." I told her as I got fully dressed.
