Introspective Strangers [h.s.]

Chapter 57

From the Dining Table - Harry Styles
Hard Sometimes - Ruel
I Wanna Be Good - The Walters
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Chapter 57

Normally, I enjoyed it when my days ended early. I loved when both my classes and work were done in a timely enough fashion that I had the ability to go home and do whatever I wanted. On these types of days, Isaac usually came over to hang out where we would either grab some takeout and watch a movie or head out with Amelia for dinner to somewhere where we could all get unreasonably drunk on a weeknight.

Today, however, I was much perturbed by the sudden notion that my mandatory tasks were ending early. That on this particular Thursday I would no longer have anything to forcibly occupy my mind past the hour of 4:00 pm.

Mainly because in these now unwelcome hours of solitude, I was no longer on good enough terms with Isaac to be able to grab dinner with him nor did I really feel like going out to eat with Amelia.

This meant that all of this free time would be spent alone with a wandering mind. A mind who was determined to think of a certain curly-haired, green-eyed man named Harry Styles.

It wasn't that I didn't want to think of Harry. In fact, usually, I was happy to think of him – excited, even. But that was before this whole fiasco of a week hit. Before he told me that he loved me and, if that wasn't enough to scare me on its own, I then promptly also found out that he bought the entire company that I worked at solely for the purpose of me not losing my job.

That was back even when I had actually been able to get a hold of him.

Five months ago, had any of this happened to me with any other person, I would be deep in hiding right now – probably getting drunk off my ass and chain-smoking away the problem at hand. I would be ignoring and squashing the very idea that someone loved me and making sure that I was doing everything in my power to avoid and trying to cut out of my life completely whatever crazy maniac had gone so far as to purchase a company on my behalf.

It wouldn't have been the first time I tunnelled myself away into reckless solitude, effectively eradicating myself from the very face of the planet for a while in order to deal with a relationship that I couldn't fix in a mature manner. It was the same thing that I did with both Carter and my ex-girlfriend, Talia.

Carter was a piece of shit. I'd pretty much known that from the beginning. I never tried overly hard with him because part of me always knew that it wasn't going to work out, but I definitely could've been nicer to him. I could've been a better girlfriend. He never told me he loved me, but then again, I never told him I loved him either. I didn't. It was a relief when we broke up.

Talia was different. I dated her for almost two years... Two years that I would take back in a heartbeat if I ever could. She was beautiful – all tanned skin and soft features. A breath of fresh air on a cold, muggy day. An angel on earth. She didn't deserve what she went through with me.

It wasn't that I ever took anything out on her – it was that I refused to ever let her in. I was suffering the worst while we were together. My depression had hit an all-time low and I was constantly just ditching school or making excuses as to why I couldn't see her.

I ­tried. I fucking tried to get her to leave. I did everything that I could. Because that's how I figured it went. Everyone would leave me eventually. That was my view on life: even if I didn't want you there, I would keep you around because once someone was in my life, there was no way in hell I could ever let them go on my own. I waited around until they chose to do so.

They always did.

I was cold, spineless... mean to Talia in all the possible ways that I could be without ever outright saying anything. I never gave her the time of day even when she was willing to lay down on the tracks just to get me to text her back. And I hated it. I hated that she needed me so badly because I didn't yet understand that people could care for me, so I always thought that she was joking. I figured it was one big, stupid joke that everyone was in on but me.